It’s weird, isn't it, that grief is a universal emotion, yet so hard to talk about? One thing that is undeniable and inevitable in our lives is loss. We have all lost someone, will lose someone, and eventually, someone will lose us too. With loss comes the overbearing emotion and experience of grief – a feeling that has no explanation and no expiration date. We’re all aware of how emotions work, they affect how we interact with the world and people around us. Unlike other emotions, grief can keep a tight grip on our everyday life in both sensical and surprising ways. For instance, intimate and sexual acts and feelings may feel harder to come by naturally while you are grieving, whether you’re an extremely sexual person or not! Different bodies and brains will react in various ways to the stress chemicals we produce when grieving. Some may have an extreme loss of libido, while others may have an increase in desire for sex, to avoid or distract from intensely dark feelings, or to gain feelings of comfort and tenderness.
Maybe you feel hornier than ever after the loss of a loved one, and perhaps you feel guilty about it, but it is probably just your brain craving a boost of oxytocin.
Maybe you can’t fathom a desire to have sex because you don’t know how to detach from such deep feelings of depression and anger.
Maybe sex is the only act that feels good to you because it lets you tap into feelings of comfort, love, and life.
Maybe your grieving has changed the word “sex” for you and now, snuggling and back massages are how you choose to express sensuality.
Maybe you haven’t thought about sex once since your loss and you have zero intention to force yourself to.
All of these examples, and millions of others, of one’s relationship between sex and grief, are absolutely normal because there is no standard or one way to experience and understand grief.
Because grief and sexuality do not exist in a vacuum, some personal experiences and examples are helpful to conceptualize this topic fully. Adele Stewart candidly shares with PopSugar about her experience with her sex drive after losing her mother; she says, “You can become so focused on trying to move forward that you're blind to things that might make you feel good. And many times you don't think you deserve to feel good because you've lost something that can never be replaced. This is even worse when you're in the denial phase of your grief.” She continues to acknowledge how sex and intimacy can require vulnerability which is hard to face when grief, anxiety, and depression often make you close up. Stewart is intentional, throughout her healing process, to never blame herself, or tell herself that she is unlovable. She affirms herself and others going through similar feelings, “Yes, I miss connection, intimacy, and touch, but until I get the green light from my body and mind, I will continue to protect my sexual well-being. I won't rush it.”
Anjali Pinto, on the other hand, tells The Washington Post about her experience with sex while she grieved her husband. She says, “Having sex with strangers healed me in ways that therapy, friendship, travel, writing and photography could not. These encounters made me feel empowered, desirable and more in tune with my body. They gave me agency when my life felt out of my control.” This bodily response to grief, makes total sense, as any other response does too. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, talks to VICE about how bodies can feel quite broken after a loss, so stimulation to the genitals will drive the dopamine system and release feelings of optimism, energy, focus, and motivation. Pinto concurs with Fisher and adds, “The rush of feel-good chemicals created an overwhelming sense of happiness, even amid my loneliness.”
No matter your response to intimacy and sex during the grieving process, being gentle with yourself is essential. Communicate with yourself, ask your body and heart what feels good right now, what feels gross and hard right now, am I prioritizing my comfort or others, am I comparing my grieving self to my non-grieving self, am I being graceful and tender with myself? Understanding how you experience pleasure and joy in times of deep sorrow and heartbreak is not linear, and your path will differ from others. There is no right way; you control how your body experiences pleasure, so don’t forget to soak in that power.
Written by Sage Reynolds.