In middle school, one of my friends got a hold of an old Playboy magazine. As we sat together, flipping through pages upon pages of naked women, I felt a sense of rebellion and longing. I didn't understand why these women’s bodies looked so perfect and how my developing body would ever match up to these constructions of femininity. A few months later, I saw my first digital piece of pornography on Twitter. It was a GIF of a muscular man aggressively jamming himself into of a petite woman, pulling her hair so hard that her neck was touching her back. I clicked on the PornHub link in the description of the tweet and was met with dominating male depictions of sex and women, whose bodies looked nothing like mine. As an adolescent, any porn I encountered made me insecure about how my breasts, vulva, and stomach looked. I had only come into contact with mainstream heteronormative porn then, so I thought sex was more of a passive activity for women. It looked like sex was for men; women were supposed to lay there and take it.
Growing up in a conservative Catholic family, my parents never talked to me about porn. I had so many questions about what sex was supposed to look like, and because I didn't have anyone to talk to about it, I wound up internalizing resentment toward my own body and sexuality. It wasn't until I lost my virginity at 15 that I truly started to learn about what authentic sex is and that not all women have bodies depicted in mainstream porn. Sex is about so much more than male pleasure and heteronormativity. Looking back on it, I wish my parents had talked to me about porn so I could’ve had more accurate expectations for my first sexual encounters and on female body standards.
If you're a parent raising a child today, porn is even more accessible than when I was a kid. Pornography is so ubiquitous on the internet that even the best digital parental controls can’t always filter it. Your child may type in a website wrong on their browser, for example, and a pornography site may pop up. They may receive an unintended text message or video link and unknowingly find themselves on a porn site. For many of us, porn is our first exposure to real-world sex education and can be damaging. Having the “porn talk” with your child sooner rather than later is essential so they have the tools to understand what they are looking at and answer any questions about it.
The “Porn Talk”
It’s possible that the “porn talk” may come up in your family before you even have a discussion with your children about what sex is. Porn is readily accessible not only on sites like PornHub but all over the internet and other streaming platforms. It’s best to initiate this discussion with your child early because they will most likely encounter pornography before they are old enough to have sex on their brain. The number one thing to remember when approaching this conversation is to leave shame out of it. You don’t want to give your child the impression that there is something wrong about seeking out information about what sex is and what it looks like as they begin exploring their sexuality. However, if they are still too young to understand sex, you will want to approach the topic by setting a boundary. That means that in very concrete terms, you should tell your child something like this: “If you come upon a site that feels inappropriate, please tell me.” For most kids, that’s enough. If your child accidentally stumbles upon pornographic content, do not scold or shame them. Instead, try using the incident as an opportunity for discussion: “That material is designed for adults and not for children. I’m sorry that it showed up on the computer, and we’ll work to block that and other sites like it. Do you have any questions?” Remember that it is okay for you to tell your child they are too young to have an in-depth discussion about pornography but know that you must revisit the conversation when they are old enough to understand the content.
For older children, it’s important to use the same attitude and leave shame out of the discussion. Remembering that children going through puberty may feel aroused while looking at explicit material is essential. There is nothing wrong with a child having a sexual response to watching sex. Let them know that it’s all a part of growing up and that as they get older, they will have the opportunity to explore those feelings of arousal with a trusted partner. If you are unsure when to initiate the conversation, you can look for signs that it’s time to do so. You ought to talk if you notice the cardinal signs of unhealthy internet use—skipping meals, staying up late, locking the door, and offering vague explanations for online behavior. If you also find evidence of porn use in a search browser, you must have the porn talk as soon as possible. You can approach the topic by saying something like this: “I’ve noticed that you’ve been spending a lot of private time on the internet, and it looks like from the history that you’ve visited some adult sites. I want to ensure you understand some important aspects of these sites and the risks associated with this material.” Next, you can take steps to address the themes within pornography and how real-life sex is often different.
Talk About Pornography vs. Real Sex
It’s important to let your child know that their first sexual encounter will not resemble what they see in porn. Ensure they know that pornography is a fantasy, that bodies are often altered for entertainment, that pornography is staged to look a certain way, and that what they are viewing is not a private encounter but a curated one.
Talk About Consent and Personal Boundaries
Most mainstream pornography can depict non-consensual sexual encounters. This can look like several things, such as a person not asking their partner before they try a new sexual act or refusing to check in with their partner throughout sex. It can also be more graphic, like explicit depictions of violence or rape. Your child must know that consent is non-negotiable when it comes to sex. Discuss that consent during sex must be explicit and enthusiastic and that your sex partner’s desires and well-being must always be respected.
Include a Discussion about Safe Sex Practices
Much of porn does not include depictions of safe sex. Most heteronormative porn shows men entering women without condoms and often finishing inside them. A child may get the wrong idea and assume that condoms are unnecessary for sex. Look at this exposure as a way to educate your child on things like condoms and birth control. Explain to them that there are ways to prevent sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancies.
You can not prevent your child from accessing sexually explicit material, but you can help them understand pornography. You may also want to guide them toward more ethical porn sites after having the porn talk so they can begin to explore more authentic depictions of sex. Most importantly, remember that sexuality is fluid, and pornography can be a tool to help young adult explore their sexual attractions and desires. Make the porn talk an ongoing conversation, and ensure your child has a safe space to talk to you about sex and what they are viewing online. They may have many questions and a healthier, safer sex life if they can talk to you about any concerns. Porn does not have to be an enemy, and if a child is equipped with the tools to deconstruct what they see on screen, they will know which parts of porn are harmful. It’s okay to feel awkward going into the conversation but remember that your child will feel just as uncomfortable as you are. The porn talk is just a part of growing up, and it’s a way to ensure that your child explores their sexuality in a safe and positive light.
Written by Alyssa Morterud.