“Platonic,” according to Merriam Webster, is derived in reference to the philosopher Plato, who wrote about love in all forms. Originally, this work referred to non-sexual romantic relationships and was used to degrade such partnerships, but it developed into a term for a close relationship without sexual or romantic love. Now, we use “platonic” to refer to close friendships without sexual or romantic connotations, but also to describe types of touching. For example, we might refer to hand-holding or cuddling as platonic when done with our friends, even when these same actions with a partner are romantic.
These touches and physical connections–sexual or not–are valuable. They produce a hormone called oxytocin, also known as the “cuddle hormone,” which increases bonding with the other person and positive emotions for all involved. AManyof needs can be met through platonic intimacy. For one, you can strengthen your friendships by bringing in physical connection, which can increase your comfortability with each other as well. Toxic forms of masculinity can be challenged through vulnerability and connection between men, opening up the possibility of fostering intimate friendships. People are also able to meet their own needs for touch without relying on a romantic or sexual partner, which can be especially valuable for those exploring their independence or who are unable to sustain a relationship. Meeting these needs strengthens friendships and creates space for shared connection and intimacy.
People of different genders experience varying levels of platonic intimacy in their day-to-day lives based on societal normalcy. Typically, people who are socialized as women are taught that hugging, cuddling, and kissing are acceptable forms of connection with other women. People who were socialized as men are raised to fear intimacy with other men and to reserve touch for romantic and sexual partners. In many cases, touching or sharing connective moments with friends is sexualized and flagged as feminine, which is why it is deemed “okay” for women and homoerotic for men. Because of this gender-based discrepancy, platonic intimacy still carries a complicated connotation and is not widely accepted by all people in the US. It is worth noting, however, that in different countries and cultures, kidding your friends is normalized and celebrated.
The queer community has historically claimed platonic intimacy as a hallmark of shared culture. For many, growing up experiencing same-gender attraction changed the connotations of touch; platonic touch could feel romantic or sexual from someone who is just supposed to be “a friend.” Throughout the years, queer people have trended towards finding community and family within each other as opposed to relying on their biological families, so intimacy that would typically be found in a family unit was transposed to friends in the queer community.
In recent years, the notion of “family” has begun to shift, even outside of the LGBTQ+ community, opening up structures and allowing for new partnerships such as the “queerplatonic relationship” (QPR). This relationship involves partners with an intense commitment to each other which may include cohabiting or co-parenting, yet the partners do not experience romantic or sexual attraction to each other. Tik Tok users Jay and Krystle do exactly this, living together and co-parenting a foster child without the romantic or sexual components of a relationship. Their life goals and personalities perfectly fit in the way that life partners do, and they operate a successful and happy family together. The beauty in the queering of family and relationships is that it completely opens up the boundaries of each term. QPRs could be monogamous, poly, romantic or sexual at times, or completely platonic just based on the needs of each partner, and they are free to define themselves as they wish.
However, intimacy with friends does not have to involve a commitment to each other. It can simply be an expression of the care that you have for each other, and it can take any form that is consensual and desired by each person. Opening up your friendship to include more hugs, hand-holding, kisses, cuddling, and more can bring in a level of connection and vulnerability that is completely new. You might be surprised by the ways in which this can strengthen your relationship and increase your comfortability with each other. Physical closeness with friends can help to heal your inner child and can feel very therapeutic, especially if you are experiencing a deficit in your touch sense. For inspiration and a really beautiful look into platonic intimacy in the queer community, read this article by Garrett Schlichte for Them magazine. It might open your mind to the boundaries of friendship and ask you to prioritize your needs above society’s understanding to platonic relationships.
By Sydney Sullivan