Historically pronouns have been wrongfully linked to the gender binary with many individuals being taught that people only use the set of pronouns that match their biological sex that they were assigned at birth. Luckily, as time has gone on, society has become more educated on the proper use of pronouns, although there is most certainly more work to be done. Pronouns should not be tied to the gender binary as they are used to represent a person’s gender identity, which exists outside of the traditional gender binary. Since most of us lack inclusive sex education, it’s vital that we continue to educate ourselves so we can respect the identities of ourselves and those around us. Gender identity can be defined as the following: “...one's own internal sense of self and their gender, whether that is man, woman, neither or both. Unlike gender expression, gender identity is not outwardly visible to others.”
When it comes to enhancing your education on the world of gender identity, educating yourself on the use and purpose of pronouns is a great place to start. It’s important to remember that when someone asks you to use their pronouns, they ask for you to acknowledge and respect their identity. Using the wrong pronouns when referring to someone can cause gender dysphoria, feelings of exclusion, and alienation. Additionally, it is never valid to assume someone’s gender; doing so operates on privilege as someone’s outward appearance does not always relate to their gender identity in terms of gender binary stereotypes. Male/female stereotypes are harmful and perpetuate the idea that one’s body should match their gender identity. This is not the case and “choosing to ignore or disrespect someone’s pronouns is not only an act of oppression but can also be considered an act of violence.”
It’s become common practice for people to introduce their pronouns or set of pronouns the first time they meet someone. Pronouns can evolve over time, though, so if you’re ever unsure about what pronouns someone identifies with, just ask! It’s better to show a person you value their identity enough to make sure you’re referring to them correctly rather than referring to them the wrong way. When it comes to pronouns, people can either use one set of pronouns to identify themselves or they can use multiple—remember that gender is fluid and for many of us it exists on a spectrum. Sometimes someone’s gender identity may require more than one set of pronouns. The following is a list of the five most commonly used pronouns:
she/hers/her
She is calling.
Her family is nice.
That car is hers.
When in doubt, ask the woman herself.
he/him/hers
He is calling.
His family is nice.
That car is his.
When in doubt, ask the man himself.
they/them/theirs
They are calling.
Their family is nice.
That car is theirs.
When in doubt, ask the person themselves.
ze/zir/zirs
Ze is calling.
Zir's family is nice.
That car is zirs.
When in doubt, ask the person zirself.
Remember that this list is not comprehensive of all possible pronouns; it’s just the ones that are most commonly used. Now that you know the most common pronouns, let's learn more about why someone may use multiple sets of pronouns and how to ensure that you’re validating their identity when you speak with them or refer to them in another conversation.
Why do people use multiple sets of pronouns?
There are multiple reasons why a person may identify with various sets of pronouns. One reason could be that the use of multiple gender pronouns is a way “...to signal the expansiveness of their gender.” For these individuals, their gender cannot be encapsulated into one word like she or her. Instead, they feel that their gender identity is fluid and needs more than one label to describe it. Ultimately, pronouns may be used solely to indicate someone’s gender but this is not their only function:
“...someone can be non-binary and use he/him pronouns or be non-binary and use she/her pronouns. With this in mind, pronouns can be less related to gender identity and more so a way to acknowledge the expansiveness or complexity of gender. Basically, don't assume someone's pronouns indicate their entire gender identity.”
Another reason a person may use multiple sets of pronouns is that their gender identity may vary based on where they are or who they are with. For example, a person may use he/him pronouns when they are with family and friends from childhood and also use they/them with people they met after childhood. The reasoning for this could be to avoid having to explain their use of they/them pronouns to people who have known them for a long time. Another example could be an individual who uses she/xe pronouns. Xe/xem/xyr are a type of neopronouns, or gender-neutral pronouns, that are most often used by transgender, non-binary, and/or gender non-conforming people. Due to the fact that most people are not adequately educated on neopronouns, a person may choose to use she/her pronouns when with individuals who are not educated in order to avoid giving a repetitive pronouns lesson. When they’re with individuals who are educated on the use of neopronouns, a person may then choose to be referred to as xe/xem/xyr. Yet another reason a person may use multiple sets of pronouns could be as simple as the fact that they prefer one set of pronouns but are okay with the use of another set- or a person may feel that they are indifferent to all pronouns and are okay being addressed with any pronoun. Learning why someone may choose to use multiple sets of pronouns is helpful in educating yourself, but you don’t need the whole story in order to validate someone who uses multiple sets.
Pronoun Validation and Affirmation
One of the most common questions a person who uses multiple pronouns gets is: Does the order of the pronouns matter? As with most gender, sexuality, and pronoun-related questions, there is no one-size-fits-all answer with respect to whether the ordering of multiple pronouns matters. For some people, the order in which they present their pronouns matters, for others, it doesn't. Some individuals use the order to indicate that they would like the first set of pronouns to be used more than the second (or third) set, while for others, the order is irrelevant. The best way to determine the answer to this question then is to ask the person in a respectful way. For example, you might say, “I’d love to use your pronouns in a way that feels best to you. Would you be willing to share with me what that is?”. This way, you let the person know they only need to share the information they will be comfortable sharing with you and know that you care about validating their identity. The first step to affirming a person is to make sure that they are within their comfort zone and not push them to share too much information with you.
If you’re cis-gender and use pronouns that match your biologically assigned sex, then there are other steps you can initially take to affirm those around you. First off, hare your pronouns everywhere (email signature, Instagram bio, Zoom avatar, dating-app profiles, etc.). Also, introducing yourself with your pronouns when meeting someone new helps normalize the practice and conversations for all people, including those who use multiple pronouns. Overall, pronoun validation comes down to respect and appreciation for someone’s identity. It’s essential to be inclusive and open to understanding someone’s identity, especially if it is different from yours.
If you’re looking to learn more about the use of multiple pronouns, one excellent article recommendation is from them, in which writer Wren Sanders looks at the experiences of ten people who used varied pronouns in a successful attempt to find a “ …deeper (though not comprehensive) understanding of the varied ways we can affirm, respect, and love each other through language.” Sanders uses she/they pronouns and does so because they feel that their gender “... cannot be contained in any single word…[but] can be contained in two words- she and they.” She notes that she finds her gender identity in the conjunction that joins her and their pronouns together. It “...affords an openness to multiplicity, to those changes upon changes that construct our ever-forming selves.” Sanders’s writing is beautifully put and a must-read article for those of us looking to enhance our education on the use of multiple pronouns. Sanders looked to the perspectives of writers, artists, therapists, drag performers, models, chefs, sex workers, and poets who use various sets of pronouns to identify themselves. They asked each individual a series of questions to learn more about their pronoun usage and explore how those around them could validate their identity. One of the most educational questions I think is the following:
You’ve just introduced yourself to someone, and they’ve politely asked you how to navigate using multiple sets of pronouns. How do you typically respond?
Lexi Chandra, who uses they/she pronouns, noted that their pronouns are not a preference. Instead, she feels that both they/them/theirs and she/her/hers are equally as important to her. In this sense, Lexi does not want to give anyone an out and would like people to use their pronouns interchangeably without giving more critical to one pronoun specifically. This is another way to validate a person who uses multiple pronouns—use a person’s pronouns interchangeably without assigning one pronoun more importance. If you want to read about what other individuals had to say in response to this question, check out the article! Remember that it’s never too late to enhance your education on gender identity and pronoun usage and that you can never educate yourself too much. Therefore, it’s better to start now than never.
By Alyssa Morterud