What is Sexual Ambivalence?
Have you ever said “yes” to something you were unsure about? Or “no” to something that you wanted to do? What about in the context of sexual activity? If yes, you’ve experienced sexual ambivalence!
Coined in 1998, the term sexual ambivalence refers to engaging in a sexual behavior that is both wanted and unwanted. Note that the terms “sexual activity” and “sexual behavior” used throughout this blog can refer to anything sexual in nature–not just full intercourse!
Though this concept has been around for a while, researchers are still learning more about sexual ambivalence and its role in sexual experiences. Partly because there is so much nuance to it–whether or not someone wants to partake in a sexual activity may not even be clear to the individual in the moment and may depend on numerous factors.
Sexual Ambivalence vs. Consent
Before we get into the context of different elements that can play a role in sexual ambivalence, it is important to understand the difference between sexual ambivalence and consent. Most of us assume wantedness and consent go hand in hand, but they don't always. Understanding the gap between them matters more than you might think.
Let’s break it down:
Sexual ambivalence describes an experience where a sexual encounter feels both wanted and unwanted at the same time. It's not a fixed feeling; it exists on a continuum and can shift throughout an encounter. Someone might start feeling one way and end up feeling another entirely!
Consent is simply the act of agreeing to participate in a behavior. Solid, affirmative consent is clear and enthusiastic. Ultimately, it's a decision, not a feeling.
So, someone may want to engage in a sexual experience, but not consent to it. Without consent, the engagement would be considered sexual violence. But if that individual does not want do it, but consents (without coercion and of their own volition), that’s not sexual violence.
So, in summary, what happens when these don't match?
You can want a sexual experience but not consent to it → that's sexual violence, full stop.
You can consent to a sexual experience without fully wanting it → that is not sexual violence.
It’s easy to confuse the two because they both involve making decisions about sexual activity, but it’s important that they are acknowledged as different concepts. If you want to learn more about sexual decision making, check out our certification programs!
Factors in the Wanting and the Unwanting
Oftentimes, individuals are holding what they want and don’t want about a sexual behavior in tandem–and many different factors are involved.
Sexual Ambivalence and Reproductive Rights
Unfortunately, the decision to have sex may be related to the impact of political decisions on individual lives. Although sexual ambivalence research is still catching up on all the details, some evidence suggests that systemic factors play a role. In the United States, restricted access to contraceptives and an overall erosion of reproductive rights may be contributing to this, particularly for those assigned female at birth.
Think about what's actually at stake: the risk of an unwanted pregnancy, the possibility of having no access to abortion, the unmanaged pain of endometriosis or other conditions that birth control helps treat. Any one of these realities may make someone want to engage in sexual activity less, not because of how they feel about their partner or experiencing the sexual behavior, but because of the political climate they are living in.
Sexual Ambivalence and Sexual Health
One common source of sexual ambivalence may stem from concern about physical consequences, like the fear of contracting a sexually transmitted infection. It makes intuitive sense that those worries could make someone pause even when that wantedness is there. The wrinkle, though, is that sexual ambivalence has also been linked to sexual risk behavior like not using a condom. So the relationship between sexual ambivalence and caution is more nuanced than it might first appear, and researchers don't yet have a clean story for why that is.
Engaging in sexual activity also requires trust that the other person will respect your boundaries and not push things further than you're comfortable with. That degree of vulnerability doesn't come easily for everyone. Research has found a meaningful link between sexual ambivalence and a history of sexual violence victimization. When someone has been harmed in a context that required that same trust, a hesitancy about future sexual activity may follow.
Sexual Ambivalence and Relationship Health
It's not always about the act itself. Sometimes, people desire certain outcomes or aspects of sex (intimacy, closeness, connection) but not necessarily the physical activity that comes with it. This can lead to experiencing sexual ambivalence!
It may also be a way of navigating mismatched desire in a relationship. The research we have, though not always recent, tells us that sexual ambivalence could be how some people bridge the gap when their level of desire doesn't line up with their partner's, avoiding the tension or conflict that kind of discrepancy tends to bring.
Bottom line: wanting some pieces but not the whole picture can be its own path to sexual ambivalence.
Takeaways for Sexual Health Professionals
Ambivalence and consent are not the same thing: understanding the distinction can help sexual health professionals recognize when a client may be describing something that crosses into sexual coercion or violence, even if the client hasn't named it that way themselves.
Screen thoughtfully for trauma history: given the possible link between sexual ambivalence and past sexual violence victimization, a client disclosing ambivalence can be an entry point for broader conversations about safety, trust, and the impact of past experiences.
Don't assume hesitancy means disinterest: someone can genuinely desire sexual connection while still feeling reluctant to pursue it. These aren't contradictory; they often coexist!
Factor in access and risk concerns: for some clients, ambivalence is rooted in practical fears about pregnancy or STIs. Addressing those concerns directly, such as through education, resources, or referrals, can be part of the work.
Consider relationship dynamics: desire discrepancy between partners can fuel ambivalence. Exploring how a client feels about that gap could be insightful.
Hold the research lightly: the evidence base is still developing and much of it is dated. Clinical judgment and the client's own account matter more than any single study.
Want to become an in-demand sexual health professional? Learn more about becoming certified with SHA!
Written by Jesse John, B.S.
Jesse is a clinical psychology doctoral student at Rowan University in New Jersey. Their research focuses on sexual decision-making, sexual violence, and relationship experiences. The author identifies as a Queer, neurodiverse, white, non-binary person, which informs the way they write and see the world!
