Masturbation is a topic typically seen as taboo and reserved for “alone time” behind closed doors. People often feel shameful after masturbation because they've been told the activity is dirty or unclean. According to Web MD, in the past, masturbation was mistakenly thought to cause things like blindness, poor sexual function, sexual perversion, and mental health issues. Another common misconception is that only cis hetero men engage in the activity because they have a higher sex drive than people of other genders and sexual orientations. This is simply not the case. The reality is that most people engage in masturbation, and there’s nothing shameful or dirty about the act. Masturbation --whether alone or with a partner -- can have benefits such as relaxed muscles, improved sleep, a release of endorphins, and reduced stress.
More than this, masturbation is not something that needs to only exist in the privacy of your room behind closed doors. Ashley D. Sweet, M.A., LPC, LMHC, CCRC, sheds light on the benefits of freeing the act of masturbation, emphasizing how it can be thrilling to "share with someone else something you may have learned is culturally forbidden." Mutual masturbation is a practice in which two or more individuals engage in masturbation together, whether they’re in the same room or doing so virtually. Mutual masturbation has two variations, says Michelle Herzog, LMFT, CST: The first is when two or more people masturbate in each other's presence. Conversely, two or more people can simultaneously stimulate each other's genitals. According to Herzog, the experience does not have to look the same for every group who decides to engage, as whether you use toys, hands, or both to enjoy either kind of partnered masturbation, this sexual experience is "great for anyone open to genital stimulation." Mutual masturbation is an excellent option for couples to explore if they are looking to enhance their sex life by exploring sexual acts that exist outside of penetration. Moreover, the show can bring you closer to your partner(s) in many ways.
Intimacy and Mutual Masturbation
With the many benefits of solo masturbation, when masturbating with a partner can "allow for sexual expression or pleasure and can improve moods just like other sexual behaviors or interactions." One of the reasons why mutual masturbation is often so intimate is because it’s an extension of behaviors that one typically does alone. Through mutual masturbation, you can show your partner where and how you like to be touched while you pleasure yourself. Inviting your partner to see how you would climax when you’re alone can allow you to feel closer to one another because you’re opening the door to more shared experiences. In this sense, mutual masturbation can be a bonding experience as you get to know each other's bodies more intimately. Ultimately mutual masturbation is a great intimacy enhancer because it not only introduces you to your partner's body in a more intimate way but also invites new experiences into the bedroom. One such new experience could be the introduction of sex toys into your partnered sexual repertoire. Though many prefer the use of toys during masturbation, these same toys are often left out of partnered play. The practice of mutual masturbation can be an excellent opportunity to bring those toys into partner play.
It’s important to note that many vulva owners sometimes face shame around sex toys, although there is now a general acceptance of them in society. However, just because sex toys are “...sort of accepted”, as said by Octavia Morrison on this blog, it doesn’t mean that the stigma isn’t lingering above it.” Some vulva owners are shamed if they can only achieve an orgasm with a sex toy. This is a harmful perpetuation. This thought is exclusionary on purpose. Some people can’t pleasure themselves with their hands due to a disability., while others simply cannot achieve orgasm from their hands and need sex technology to help them, and there is nothing wrong with that. Shame around sex toys can lead to a person only experiencing orgasm when alone and feeling safe from such shame. With proper sex-positive mutual masturbation, someone who can only experience orgasm with the help of a sex toy may feel comfortable enough to show their partner just how they get off. This can be beneficial to their sex life because their partner can help them reach orgasm with the help of a toy. Sharing an orgasm with another person can be a very intimate experience, and you may feel more bonded to your partner afterward. Remember that “your pleasure belongs to you — and no one should shame you for that.” A true sexual partner will be interested in whatever way you masturbate and bring pleasure to your body. Mutual masturbation allows you to show your partner your solo pleasure toolkit, and the experience will bring you closer together.
Mutual masturbation can bring you closer to your partner because you are inviting them to see how you pleasure yourself when you are alone. It’s true that “many people have their best orgasms when they do it themselves, and sharing a powerful self-produced orgasm can be a really fun and hot experience.” While the shared experience of orgasm can be dear for all parties involved, it’s important to emphasize that orgasm does not have to be the goal of mutual masturbation. The act can be part of foreplay leading to other activities like oral sex or penetrative sex. Or it can simply be an intimate activity between you and your partner that doesn’t end in an orgasm. There’s a common misconception that the goal of sex is always orgasm. While this may sometimes be the case, there are some circumstances in which sex is simply about connection and intimacy. Mutual masturbation is one of the more intimate sexual activities because you invite your partner into the safe, sacred space of personal pleasure. In this sense, if you want to get the most out of mutual masturbation, view the experience as an exploration of each other’s bodies rather than as a means to climax. Focus on things like the sensation of touch from your partner, how it feels to touch their body, and on their scent or auditory response to pleasure.
Another option for enhancing intimacy with mutual masturbation is to be mindful of the positions in which you engage in the activity. You can bring power dynamics into play by having one of you lie down while the other sits up. You could try laying in your partner's lap while they pleasure you and you them. Spooning is another great position for mutual masturbation and is one of my favorites. This position allows for optimal comfort for both parties allowing you to focus deeply on the sensations of your partner stimulating your body. You can also incorporate eye contact into the experience. Both you and your partner can sit or lay facing each other while you pleasure one another for an even more connected experience.
Virtual Sex and Mutual Masturbation
Because of our current digital age, mutual masturbation can occur in person or virtually. For long-distance relationships, virtual mutual masturbation is often the only way partners can maintain a sexual connection while apart. Digitally masturbating can help you feel close to your partner even if they are not physically in the same space. According to Bonobology, the need for intimacy “...grows with the time you spend away from your partner, and while sex is only one expression of intimacy,” it can often be challenging to feel connected to your partner without sex. Digital mutual masturbation can help to fill the desire gap that forms when you are apart from your partner. Digital mutual masturbation can exist in multiple forms. One of the most common forms is through FaceTime or video chat, where partners will engage in masturbation at the same time while talking to one another through video chat. Snapchat is another popular platform that people often use to send explicit images and videos back and forth to provide their partner with visual aids while masturbating. Others prefer to use iMessage and create photos and videos to send to their partner. iMessage is my favorite because there’s no timer on how long the images and videos can last, and your partner can rewatch the content you create for them repeatedly.
Before engaging in digital mutual masturbation, though, it’s important to ensure you and your partner are safe. In this sense, it's important to"be mindful about privacy considerations and who may have access to any digital content you co-create." One way to ensure that your partner is given rightful access to privacy is to keep any content they send you in a locked, password-protected folder in your photos. You want to ensure that any content they create for you stays only for your eyes, as your partner intended. If you are on a video chat with your partner, make sure that the screen is protected from other eyes and that you are alone so your partner feels safe. Privacy and consideration are the top two things to think about while engaging in mutual masturbation in a digital space.
Overall, mutual masturbation has the potential to benefit any sexual relationship and is something that is worth looking into if you want to enhance intimacy in your relationship. Not only will you learn how your partner likes to touch their body, but you will also be able to share an experience with them that they typically do alone and in private; it doesn't get much more intimate than that.
By Alyssa Morterud