What is a Cuckold?
Have you ever fantasized about your partner cheating on you? No, I’m not asking if you’re polyamorous or interested in swinging. There are all kinds of ethical nonmonogamy, but cuckolding is a bit different. Traditionally, “cuckold” means a man whose wife is unfaithful to him, and that definition has been used since the 13th Century. Rather than two partners going to swingers’ parties together or forming new sexual relationships separately, in a cuckolding dynamic only one partner has the freedom to have sex with other people. This might sound unfair or off-putting, but to many, this dynamic is deeply fulfilling—not to mention hot!
Learn more about Cuckolding
In its most basic form, a cuckolding (or “cucking”) relationship is one in which one partner is expected to remain monogamous while the other gets to play with other people, sometimes while the “faithful” partner watches. Typically, although not always, these are heterosexual couples where the man is the cuck who is cuckolded by his female partner, the “cuckoldress,” and a man outside of their relationship called a “bull”. However, many cuckolding fantasies and relationship dynamics involve something more: an aspect of dominance and submission. Although plenty of cucks enjoy cucking purely because they like knowing their partner is having sexual fun with others, many cucks are turned on specifically from feeling humiliated by the “infidelity” or dominated by their “cheating” partner. This aspect is especially evident in cuckolding porn which is surprisingly (or not so surprisingly, depending on who you ask) a very popular genre. For example, the NSFW subreddit r/cuckold currently has over a million followers.
Why Cuckolding is a turn on
So why are so many people turned on by the idea of cuckolding and, specifically, being cucked? Well, it’s different for every cuck. Many cucks experience compersion, a term for the “opposite of jealousy and possessiveness” where an individual derives pleasure or happiness from their loved ones feeling pleasure even if they’re not directly involved. Some cucks might just enjoy the compersion and not personally desire to be non-monogamous themselves. For many cucks, though, there’s a strong aspect of emotional masochism. Historically and even today “cuck” is an insult that attacks people’s (especially men’s) worth, desirability, sexual prowess, and, in many cases, masculinity. Many people fear they’re not good enough, hot enough, or sexually skilled enough to keep their partners “faithful” so the thrill lies in embracing that fear and moving towards it rather than away from it. On the one hand, for an emotional masochist, it could be arousing to be told directly, shown evidence of, or even forced to watch their partner “prove” the cuck isn’t as good at sex as someone else and doesn’t deserve fidelity. On the other hand, there might be something comforting about seeing that even if you aren’t “enough” to sexually satisfy your partner, they still love you and don’t plan on leaving you anytime soon.
exploring sexual desires
For the non-monogamous partner, consensual sadism and the pure physical pleasure of sex can be part of the appeal. It can feel very empowering for some to be able to be open about their sexual desires and explore them. Unfortunately, it’s also well documented that heterosexual women’s sexual satisfaction is often much lower than heterosexual men’s. Not only do straight women tend to experience far fewer orgasms during sexual play with their partners, they also often feel obligated to fake orgasms and pleasure in order to protect their partners’ egos. If so, it’s not hard to imagine why some women would fantasize about or engage in being a cuckoldress. Not only are they free to explore and possibly have better sex with other people, if there’s a humiliation aspect to the dynamic they might also get to be more honest about the physical pleasure (or lack thereof) they experience with their primary partner.
Consent is number 1
That being said, it is critical to explore kink consensually and not only physically safely but as emotionally safely as possible as well. Yes, plenty of deliciously fun kink grows from painfully true seeds. Many potential cucks probably are insecure about their desirability and many potential cuckoldresses are probably not entirely sexually satisfied by monogamous sex with their partner and that’s okay! Ethical cuckolding requires trust, caring intentions, and communication. Introducing cuckolding will not fix serious problems in your relationship, or it could make your relationship much more painful or even end it on complicated terms.
Tips for exploring cuckolding
If you’re interested in introducing cuckolding into a current relationship, make sure that the relationship is stable: That there aren’t any major underlying issues that would be better addressed in couple’s therapy rather than through kink. Cuckolding is not a suggestion one should make to convince their unsatisfied partner not to leave them, for example. If the options are to go along with someone else’s kink or else lose a cherished relationship, that doesn’t set the stage for meaningful boundary setting or communication. Be open-minded to the idea that cuckolding could be more fun as a fantasy or dirty talking topic than an acted-upon experience Take it slow when it comes to introducing these, and any, fantasy elements into bedtime fun and remain communicative about how everyone’s feeling. It’s easy to forget about setting clear boundaries or safewords when there’s no physical masochism or restraint involved, but the truth is these safety precautions are very important. Especially if part of your play is one partner acting upset or hurt, having a safeword is important so that if stuff starts hurting a bit deeper than expected, it can be addressed and the scene can be reoriented at the moment.
If you do one day decide to make cuckolding a reality, that’s awesome! Websites like Fetlife.com and even Craigslist are full of people interested in exploring this dynamic. If playing with strangers from the internet’s not your style you could try picking up a “bull” at a bar together or even bringing the possibility up to an acquaintance if that feels appropriate and everyone involved is onboard. One thing to keep in mind during this process is that, as corny and obvious as this must sound, “bulls” are people too. Cuckolding isn’t just about the cuck or their partner, it’s also about the pleasure of the outside participant. It can be easy to spend months or years fantasizing about the ideal hypothetical third only to project that image onto the people you find who might be interested.
Racial considerations in cuckolding
Unfortunately, cuckolding porn and erotica also tend to be created for and by white people and can specifically fetishize Black men as the ideal “bull” as is discussed in Adrienne Davis’ book, Black Sexual Economies : Race and Sex in a Culture of Capital. There is nothing shameful or wrong about being nonblack and attracted to a Black person, but centuries of racist stereotypes and sexual exploitation make it easy for people, especially white people, to fetishize their idea of Black people and ignore the real humanity of Black individuals in the world. Because of this, it is important for any couples (especially white couples) looking for a “bull” to think critically about what they’re looking for in a “bull” and avoid stereotyping or fetishizing people based on their race or ethnicity. Regardless of the identity or heritage of everyone involved, it’s important that the initial couple treats potential “bulls” as the full humans they are. “Bulls” are not just sex toys there to enhance your relationship, and ethical cuckolding requires communication, consent, boundaries, and safewords to be between everyone involved, not just the primary couple. This also means it’s probably not a great idea to kick a “bull” out of the house as soon as the hot sex is over. Aftercare, talking about the experience, and grabbing some food altogether could be a great way to decompress and care for one another after a cuckolding scene!
Cuckolding, Desires, and Variety
Cuckolding isn’t for everyone, but it’s a great example of the variety within ethically nonmonogamous dynamics. If you’re into it, you’re in good company. So many online and in-person communities exist to discuss all the different angles of cuckolding and create connections for cucking relationships. Even if you never want to be involved in anything cuckolding-related, meditating on that could be enlightening! Maybe you’re upset by the idea of infidelity or made uncomfortable by the concept of sexually humiliating a partner. That’s all not only valid but important information to know about yourself as you navigate the worlds of sex, relationships, and kink!
By Aiden/Estelle Garrett
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