When it comes to consensual non-monogamy, most people probably spend more time thinking about the logistics or the sexual gratification of having multiple partners. Yet, the words we use to talk and think about different topics matter. That’s why it’s worth analyzing what it means when we describe the act of having consensual relationships with more than one person as “consensual non-monogamy,” which is often abbreviated as CNM.
How “Non-Monogamy “ Can Be Done Right
It’s not that the phrase isn’t helpful–Non-monogamy illustrates how someone may have relationships with multiple people or how a relationship may even include more than two people. And by pointing out that it’s consensual, we differentiate between CNM and non-monogamy, where one party isn’t aware that their partners have other sexual or romantic relationships. Often, this takes the form of cheating, but it may be the case that some people could be in consensual non-monogamous relationships if they knew it was an option.
For those who know the difference and practice non-monogamy only when it’s consensual, it’s important to distinguish their relationships from cheating. Some people also use ethical non-monogamy (ENM), which emphasizes the same point. CNM has traditionally been used by researchers, but it has overtaken ENM as the terminology of choice in some circles. Page of Polyland explains that she prefers CNM because ethics vary. Either way, focusing on honesty and consent is something from which many people in more traditional relationships could benefit.
But the non-monogamous aspect of CNM also contributes to the marginalization experienced by people who practice it. By adding “non” to “monogamous,” we paint monogamy as the default or, as many people might see it, “normal.” Everyone is familiar with monogamy because it’s taught as the right way to have a relationship. Monogamy is the lynchpin of society’s push for people to date (people of the opposite sex), get married, and have children. While this is one way to proliferate the human race, it’s not the only way, and not everyone is interested in procreating or doing so within a marriage.
Rethinking Monogamy
If monogamy is “normal,” then what is non-monogamy? Abnormal or wrong, even if it’s done consensually and ethically? There’s no doubt that some people certainly still view CNM as wrong. At the very least, consensual non-monogamy is still considered an “alternative lifestyle” instead of a viable alternative to monogamy. And if monogamy is the default, it’s no wonder that many people expect CNM relationships to have a hierarchy, where one partner is more important than the rest.
Is monogamy really the only natural option? Not everyone agrees. For example, authors Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá argue in their book Sex At Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships that there are evolutionary benefits to non-monogamy, which makes it just as natural as monogamy. It’s a compelling argument that makes the reader reconsider why they view monogamy as default or even more natural than CNM. If our ancestors engaged in this practice, then modern CNM might simply be a shift back to how it once was.
Even if most people personally view consensual non-monogamy as a valid approach to relationships, it’s not equal in the eyes of the law. Marrying multiple people has been illegal since 1882 in the United States. This long-standing stance against polygamy may be one reason why people have sought a different term to describe consensually non-monogamous relationships. Polygamy can cannote other cases where people have second lives, and their multiple families are unaware of each other. If the term “polygamy” wasn’t steeped in a long history laden with negatives, it might be a good alternative to CNM.
Furthermore, both polygamy and monogamy specifically refer to marriage, and not everyone wants to marry their partner(s) or marry more than one person. Consensual non-monogamy covers a variety of practices, including open relationships, swinging, polyamory, polyfidelity, and cuckolding, and “polygamy” isn’t broad enough to act as an umbrella term.
Mo’ Partners, Mo’ Problems
Still, those negative attitudes and laws do exist, and those who practice CNM struggle because of them. For example, some people fear the backlash they’d receive if they were open about their relationships, which include losing custody, work, and a tarnished reputation, so they hide part of their personalities and lives from friends, family, and the community. A lack of legal protections also impacts polyfidelitous partners and families when it comes to legal and medical situations, including those involving custody and property. Similarly, finding a welcoming and knowledgeable therapist can also be challenging. Non-monogamous folks may not worry about being arrested for their lifestyles, but they deal with plenty of other headaches.
Where does that leave us? There’s definitely work to be done to destigmatize consensual non-monogamy and those who practice it, and simply replacing one term with another isn’t enough to shift cultural perceptions. If we magically stumble across a better word than CNM, we would still need to examine laws and cultural mores to accept the validity of consensual non-monogamy, the significance of many CNM relationships, and the integrity of people who have them.
Like so many social movements of the past, activism and representation are necessary to progress society, and that progress is never linear and always an uphill battle. As more researchers look seriously at consensual non-monogamy, authors write books about it, providers become informed about it, and non-monogamous people bravely open up about their experiences, society is slowly becoming understanding and accepting of the practice, no matter what we call it.
By Nicole Martinez