In the same way that no two snowflakes are identical, no two people masturbate the same. We all have our preferences in position, speed, and intensity. Whilst it’s amazing that we are all so unique in our masturbation preferences, this grand variance can cause issues in partnered sex. Idiosyncratic masturbatory style, a term coined by Michael Perelman, can be defined as “a masturbation technique not easily duplicated by the partner’s hand, mouth or vagina,” and is something that can lead to delayed ejaculation for people with penises. Though idiosyncratic masturbatory techniques are discussed in the context of penis owners, this article will give an all-inclusive overview.
What is idiosyncratic masturbation?
Masturbation is not only a great way to relax, but it provides an opportunity to learn your preferences in intimate touch. Penis-owners solo adventures may teach a preference for stimulation to the testicles before the tip or shaft is touched. Vagina-owners may need a pillow placed under the hips in order for any intimate touch to go from good to great. While learning your preferred masturbation style, it is important to note that your partner may not be able to replicate this. Vibrators are great for partnered sex, or solo sessions, but you cannot expect any partner to recreate the same sensations with their hands or mouth. In regards to penises, Perelman states that penis-owners may engage in “self-stimulation that is striking in terms of the speed, pleasure, intensity, duration, and the ‘spot’ focused upon to produce an orgasm.” Whilst this works when they are masturbating, the style they are using is not able to be replicated by a partner. In turn, this can result in delayed ejaculation or a frustrating sexual experience.
Other factors in idiosyncratic masturbation and delayed ejaculation
Perelman further investigates this phenomenon through the Sexual Tipping Point, an “integrated approach to the etiology, diagnosis, and treatment of men with delayed ejaculation.” When discussing idiosyncratic masturbatory styles as a cause of delayed ejaculation, Perelman asserts that “almost universally, these men fail to communicate their preferences to either the partners (or doctors), because of embarrassment.” Let it be made clear that YOUR PLEASURE MATTERS, regular communication with sexual partners about your sexual preferences is essential to a healthy relationship, and enjoyable sex. Though the conversations may seem daunting at first, it will greatly benefit the relationship and sexual satisfaction levels. The effects of lack of communication about sexual fantisies is further seen in Perelman’s paper where he explains that the “disparity between the reality of sex with their partner and their preferred sexual fantasy can be another cause of delayed ejaculation.” In the same way that you need to be realistic in your expectations of your partner’s ability to replicate your masturbation technique, there needs to be some realism to fantasies. They may be able to meet your boss/employee roleplay fantasy, but may not feel comfortable participating in a student/teacher roleplay scenario. This is something you won’t know unless you engage in regular, ongoing conversations about sex and your preferences. Communication about your sexual preferences applies to anyone and everyone.
Masturbating after gender-affirming surgery
Learning to masturbate after sex reassignment/gender-affirming surgery can be a huge challenge. A 2021 Refinery21 article details this by conversing with Daniella Lagaccia, who talks us through learning to masturbate after having a vaginoplasty (a variation of penile inversion where a vaginal vault is created between the rectum and urethra.) A follow-up consultation with her surgeon and questions on orgasms achieved left Daniella admitting: “I haven’t really explored in there yet. I guess it’s nerves, and I’m afraid it’s going to hurt. My vagina didn’t come with instructions.” There is no one way to masturbate with a vagina, especially in the way we can choose to masturbate externally, internally, or a combination of both. Daniella goes on to reflect on her previous experiences masturbating:
“Masturbating with a vagina instead of a penis — I find — is less instantly satisfying. You can get off in five minutes with a penis, a pit stop during the day to clear the mental fog. Now it takes the right headspace, and one distraction can derail the whole mood. When a trans woman goes on hormones, her orgasm changes as well. It goes from a short burst of energy in the crotch lasting, oh, a couple of seconds, to waves of vibrating warmth that clench the whole body.”
Transgender men also face the challenge of learning to masturbate and become familiar with what feels good to them. Transgender men can choose between a metoidioplasty, or a phalloplasty, with each procedure resulting in a different structure/length of penis. There is surprisingly little information on learning how to masturbate after surgery. There is mention of dilation treatment for those who have undergone vaginoplasty, or not having the length to engage in penetrative sex after a metoidioplasty — but nothing on masturbation. Like many topics these days, Reddit threads seem to be the place with the most information, providing a blend of personal experience and medical advice. There are a variety of different threads, but here are the most recent ones for metoidioplasty, phalloplasty, and vaginoplasty.
What affirming sex toys exist?
Lovehoney also offers a range of gender-affirming sex toys for transgender men and women — allowing them to experience pleasure and new sensations whether they are going to hormone replacement therapy, have had gender-affirming surgery, or are experiencing gender dysphoria. This list of toys also works for gender-nonconforming people as well. Lovehoney also provides a link to a browser extension to swap out words like vagina, vulva, and penis for words of your choice. The toys mentioned include:
Strokers
Bullet vibrators
Non-realistic dildos
Dilators
Slim penetrative vibrators
Anal toys
Finger vibrators
Sex toys and underwear
Couple vibrators
Suction toys
This list is a starting point for discourse around pleasure for everyone and anyone, rather than focusing on toys created for cis-gendered people.
The way people masturbate and the way that feels good to them are entirely up to them. However, if your unique masturbation style doesn’t quite work during partnered sex, there are various different things you can do to help. As mentioned earlier, having open and honest conversations about your masturbation style can mean it can be incorporated into partnered sex. Teach them how you masturbate — certain grips, styles, or speed — and don’t be afraid to communicate if they aren’t touching you in a way that feels pleasurable. Don’t pretend that they’re touching your clitoris when they’re really just rubbing your labia majora. Mutual masturbation can be yet another method to learn how touch brings you both pleasure. It could be that you are touching each other's genitals at the same time, or take it, in turn, to touch yourself whilst the other watches. If you are still struggling with sex, and fear it is your masturbation technique getting in the way, sessions with a sex therapist may help.
By Stephanie McCartney