The shift toward the neurodiversity paradigm (named and outlined by Nick Walker) is an attempt to depathologize neurotypes (such as ADHD, autism, dyslexia, etc.) deemed “atypical” and “non-normative” by dominant culture and instead frame such neurotypes as naturally occurring variations in cognitive function.
Just as affirming care models for LGBTQIA+ persons move away from medicalization of identity and instead operate on a minority stress model—thereby treating not the identity itself, but the effects of the stress caused or exacerbated by the explicit or implicit negative social reception of (and reaction to) the identity—the neurodiversity paradigm shifts away from medicalizing neurodivergence and toward a focus on acknowledging and mitigating the stress of being neurodivergent in a world designed by, and for, neurotypical persons.
A related shift in approach is the shift from medical models of disability to social models of disability. On social models, persons themselves are not intrinsically disabled, but are instead disabled by inaccessible environments: it’s not using a wheelchair that is disabling, but the lack of ramps. Similarly, varieties of neurodivergence are not intrinsically disabling, but often times those with “atypical” or “non-normative” neurotypes find themselves disabled—sometimes greatly so—by inaccessible, non-accommodating environments.
As an example: sensory or emotional overstimulation might lead to an autistic person experiencing what often gets pejoratively referred to as a “meltdown,” perhaps leading to confusion, self-stimulation read by others as exaggerated, seemingly intense reactivity, non-verbal states, etc. Minority stress models and social models of disability see this all not as constituting a flaw in or failure of the autistic person themself, but instead as a (understandable and not all that surprising) reaction to an inaccessible, non-accommodating, or triggering environment.
As an autistic person with ADHD myself, trust me when I say: dating as a neurodivergent person can be difficult, since most cultural scripts for different aspects of dating and relationships center and assume neurotypicality. This includes common scripts for how to navigate and perform both courtship and conflict. In light of this, here are five tips to keep in mind when dating neurodivergent persons:
Talk with your neurodivergent partner about their neurotype, their needs, and their triggers. Learn about what they experience internally, especially during periods of activation. For example: what might be read as aggression or avoidance when seen through a neurotypical lens might instead be intense pain coupled with elevated stimming and a need to escape or change the aversive environment.
Hold both yourself and your neurodivergent partner accountable. Invoking neurodivergence as a get-out-of-jail-free card is not okay. Similarly, disregarding a partner’s neurodivergence when it is convenient to do so—or, alternatively, scapegoating their neurodivergence when it is felt as a burden—is not okay, either.
Be honest with yourself and current or potential neurodivergent partners about your ability to accommodate “atypical” or “non-normative” neurotypes during times of your own emotional activation. Even if you claim to practice neuroinclusivity, if you would expect a neurodivergent partner to perform neurotypicality during heightened conflict—often the most difficult time to do so—then you should not have or pursue a neurodivergent partner.
In practicing allyship and neuroinclusivity, make sure that you’re doing so because allyship and neuroinclusibity are important—not just because you’re trying to snag a date with that cute person who happens to be neurodivergent. One of the best ways to bring genuine support into our partnerships is to be a person who practices and adopts supportive attitudes in general.
Keep in mind that all of the above is written in the context of dating, but it applies just as much to casual sexual encounters—whether one-off or continuous—as well as platonic connections.
Consciously strategic—or unconsciously opportunistic—attitudes and reactions of selective compulsory neurotypicality employed as ways to either avoid or control conflict (or as ways to avoid or attribute fault) are antithetical to the neurodiversity paradigm and, unless acknowledged and addressed, prohibitive to healthy dating and relationships with neurodivergent persons. The tips offered above can help you move forward toward genuinely neuroinclusive relationship practices.
As a final note: this is a post about dating neurodivergent persons. You might assume that the intended audience is one of neurotypical readers, and that’s partly my intent. All of this information, however, is also relevant to neurodivergent persons dating or wanting to date other neurodivergent persons—as sometimes we can easily learn to expect accommodations for ourselves without acknowledging the need to provide them to others. Let’s not do that.
Written by Ley David Elliette Cray, PhD (she/they), GSRD Content Specialist at the Sexual Health Alliance and founder of Transentience Coaching.