Midori, “Supernova of Kink”, presented a masterclass on kink February 24th-25th for the Sexual Health Alliance’s Kinky Sexceptional Weekend. Along with other incredible kink educators and experts Sunny Megatron, Ley David Elliette Cray, Lee Harrington, and Joe Zarate-Sanderlin, SHA students were treated to a kinky weekend covering kink theory, tactics on how to effectively negotiate a scene, how to interrogate and articulate desire, and how to work with kinky clientele as mental health professionals.
What is Kink?
Does kink involve a dark, scary dungeon? Chains and whips? Perhaps, but not necessarily. Midori’s definition of kink is: “Childhood joyous play with adult sexual privilege and cool toys. Shagging optional.” From that delightful definition, students were led to explore the why of kink. According to Midori, the fundamental appeal of kink is a desire for a change of state bound by time, space, and consent. Students were given guidance in how to explore and describe the desired state change. It is helpful to stop thinking in terms of pain desired, but rather in terms of sensation. Midori shared her appetite matrix, one axis representing sensation (neutral, sadism, masochism) and the other axis representing control (neutral, dominance, submission). Other questions to help understand desire is to ask: “What is sex to you?” The answer may or may not involve any sexual activity. A hot, slow dance while fully clothed can be incredibly sensual, though it involves no sexual intercourse.
Another topic discussed was the importance of aftercare after kinky play. Aftercare is whatever each individual needs to regain equilibrium. It can make or break a kink scene. As the interest in kink is the desire for state change, aftercare is a deliberate return to the status quo. Midori likened coming down from a kink scene to a marathon runner experiencing a “drop” after a race. Nobody would expect that runner to immediately get back to the office after crossing the finish line. That runner needs time to rest, hydrate, shower, and return to their status quo. The importance of aftercare following a kink scene is similar. Before the scene begins, participants should negotiate what aftercare will look like. It may or may not be provided by scene partners, but must be agreed upon beforehand. Subdrop is a commonly discussed topic in kink/bdsm circles, however, topdrop is sometimes neglected. It is just as critical for dominants in a scene to have aftercare.
Sunny Megatron: Kink is Customizable
“Kink is customizable,” says kink expert and media personality Sunny Megatron. There isn’t a right way to kink, provided consent is present. It is important for kinky folx and kink informed mental health professionals to distinguish between a best practice vs a dogmatic “right” way (“One True Way”). A few questions to ask about “rules” in kink:
What issue is this rule attempting to address/solve?
Is this rule:
Specific only to a particular dynamic, kink practice, or group?
Upholding tradition, controlling behavior or limiting autonomy, creativity, self expression in a way that enforces group conformity?
Attempting to universally promote safety, well-bing, consent & minimize harm/exploitation?
What variables/circumstances have changed to warrant revaluation or updates to this rule?
How can the rule be updated or customized to be useful in the present/personalized situation?
Sunny also discussed the importance of kink media literacy for individuals and mental health professionals, as well as how to use social media to market to kinky folx. The number of social media platform options can be overwhelming. Not all are hospitable to sexually oriented businesses and content. Combined with barriers to payment / banking access and advertising, it can be challenging to run a sexually oriented business.
Sunny shared several tips to avoid social media censorship:
Do not use generally censored keywords (#bdsm, #kink)
Audio: text descriptions, closed captions, emojis count
Each platform has its own tricks
Constantly changing, must always keep up to date
Challenge for creators and barrier to info access
Content creators were advised to focus 20 percent of their efforts on income driven content (product sales, branch awareness, collaborations with other brands). The other 80 percent of their effects should be focused on establishing authority and trust as an expert, and community building. Also, creators must decide what content type is best aligned with their brand– text, photo, video, or audio. Decide where to spend social media marketing efforts based on this.
Ley David Elliette Cray, PhD on autosadomasochism and solo BDSM
Ley is an author, educator, coach and consultant specializing in gender, sexuality, and relationship diversity. One of the main topics she discussed was the topic of autosadomasochism and solo BDSM. Kink/BDSM play is more commonly thought of as a group activity. Why would someone engage in a solo practice?
No access to other play partners
No one into your appetites/interests
Desire to experiment with a new skill or kink, safe and private exploration before engaging with others
Queering a space or practice
Echoing what Midori said, Ley advised students to think of kink/BDSM in terms of what sensation is sought, not to think in terms of pain necessarily. With this in mind, sadism could be defined as “providing intense sensation as a means of satisfying a sexual, erotic, emotional, or systematic desire (kink) or need (fetish). Masochism could be defined as the need to receive this kind of sensation.
An important point in the discussion of automasochism is when it crosses the line into self-harm.
“Harmful” is defined as something which “frustrates our interest and our well-being or ability to pursue our well-being in accordance with self-determination”. Not all painful activities or experiences – that is, those that involve intense sensation–frustrate our well-being or ability to pursue our well-being in accordance with self-determination.
Another important point in solo play is self consent. Just as in kinky group play, there must be a negotiation beforehand with a plan for aftercare. Solo consent may occur between a present self and a future self (or past self and present self). Another term for this is diachronic consent, typically given at a time prior to the scene.
Lee Harrington on role playing & role being
Kink educator and author Lee Harrington spoke on role playing & role being. Kink gives adults permission to play with roles. This could be appealing for a variety of reasons: fun, service, spiritual exploration, catharsis, and exploring the world from another view point. Types of roles could vary widely: age-based roles, powerful/authoritative roles, heroes/victims/villains, peer-based roles, parts of your past, historical figures, or animals.
Lee emphasized the distinction between playing and being. Role playing happens within a time bound / location bound container. It is like an actor stepping into a role or a performer putting on a mask. Role being is an identity; it is an evocation of a part of oneself. Both of these modes of expression can be fun, explorative, and therapeutic.
Joe Zarate-Sanderlin, MA, MFT on speaking with clients about kink in a professional setting
Joe spoke to SHA students on how to speak with clients about kink in a professional setting.
A few key takeaways:
Be comfortable: be direct; be simple
Use neutral language or use the language that they use if it is comfortable
If something is surprising or catches you off guard, speak to it
Joe called out several pitfalls professionals could encounter while serving a kinky clientele. Using a model referenced in LGBT counseling in Counseling the Culturally Diverse by Sue and Sue, students were challenged to check their biases. Common biases against kink practitioners are the belief that kink is inherently pathological, kink relationships are the primary cause of a relationship issue, overemphasizing the role of kink in a relationship, kinky people cannot be responsible parents or caregivers, and believing more traditional models of relationship are superior to kinky ones.
Kink Informed Certification with Midori and SHA
The Kinky Sexceptional Weekend with Midori provided a taste of what SHA offers in its Kink Informed Certification, led by Midori and Ley David Elliette Cray. All other presenters from the conference have been featured in past classes as expert contributors. For more information on how SHA can enhance your ability to navigate kinky relationships and work with a kinky clientele, see How Can Therapists Become Kink-Aware Professionals?
Written by Tessa Tate
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