Every sexual encounter is different: the lead-up, the context, the people, your state of mind. A lot of the messages out there about faking orgasms can make us feel bad if we do it, leading to guilt and frustration. If you fake orgasms, I completely get it: I’ve faked more orgasms than I’ve had orgasms. I realized that I was doing it as a way to avoid the fact that I felt insecure about not being able to get off. And it was hurting me more than it was helping me.
When asking others if they did it, I received all kinds of responses. Some of the answers included wanting sex to end, faking as a way to get more aroused, or some other reason that didn’t seem as harmful as it was for me. After being confused for so long, I’ve realized that the question is not whether faking orgasms is good or bad—instead, the question is, how is it affecting you?
Why do people fake orgasms?
When exploring the different reasons why people fake orgasms, it seems like they generally don’t come from bad intentions. Examining the roots of these intentions can help us understand why we are faking them.
Some individuals fake orgasms because a delayed or non-existent orgasm negatively affects their self-esteem. There can be feelings of shame, abnormality, and insecurity that are a product of unrealistic societal expectations of what sex should be. Another reason can be that faking an orgasm stimulates your arousal, and at times even leads to an orgasm. That being said, a study on the motivations behind women who have engaged in the practice of faking orgasms found that those who did it to increase their arousal had a higher consistency of orgasms. On the other hand, those who faked orgasms because of feelings like insecurity and shame had a lower consistency. In another study, the results show that the main motivations include wanting sex to end or benefiting your partner by wanting to make them feel good or avoiding making them feel bad.
How to stop (if you want to)
Maybe you’ve been in a relationship for five years and in those five years have never had an orgasm with your partner. Maybe they think you have them because you’ve been faking them. Or maybe sometimes you do climax, but you also fake a lot of them. Being scared of breaking this chain is normal. What will my partner think if I don’t cum today? Or what will they think if I stop getting off as often as before? It might feel like there’s no going back now, and you have to stick to faking for the rest of your life—or the life of the relationship. But if you want to stop, you can.
Going into the process of no longer faking orgasms and maybe finding stuff you have to work through might come along with some uncomfortable moments. But it’s in these times when the relationship with yourself or another person can transform and get stronger. It’s okay to have challenges—it’s what makes us human.
Working with our minds
It’s essential to be honest with yourself. Take the time to go to a vulnerable and sincere internal space and see what’s under everything. (If you feel like you can’t do this on your own, you can seek help through sex therapy.) Orgasm is both a physiological and psychological experience, where the body and the stimulation have important roles to play, but where the mind has the biggest. One study found that psychological factors affect women more than physical factors when it comes to experiencing orgasm. These include how relaxed we are, how much value we give to the orgasm, as well as factors such as self-esteem, communication with our partner, etc. Our mental state is such an important part of the orgasm process that it’s crucial to take some time to see if there’s something that needs to be addressed.
Working with our bodies
Do some research by looking for information on how to stimulate yourself—and try it. The goal here is not to reach an orgasm, but instead to better learn and understand what you like. There’s tons of content out there that can help guide you through exploring your own body if you don’t know how to. If you feel like you’re very anxious when you’re alone, for example, you can do a meditation to relax before touching yourself. Once you start exploring, remember it will take time and patience to understand what it is that you like. And once you understand it better, it will be easier to explain it to others.
Working with others
This part can seem like the scariest because it involves other people. But after doing some work with yourself, you will be able to better understand what you need. It might be something that has nothing to do with your partner; if so, express that. Maybe you don’t like how your partner touches you and want to try other stuff; if so, express that—in a nice, loving, careful way. Make an agreement to have conversations about your joint sex lives, where kindness and patience come first.
Accepting all of the insecurities involved
We all feel insecure sometimes. Sex is a space where you can’t escape insecurities: they’re bound to come out one way or another. Another reason why people might fake orgasms is because they don’t want the other person (or people!) involved to feel insecure. And again, these reasons don’t come from bad intentions, but ask: how are they affecting you? Making peace with the fact that insecurities will be present can take away power from them. Observe how you speak and how you feel towards yourself and your body, and explore what you can do to improve your self-esteem if it too needs some love. When it comes to faking orgasms to “protect” another person, try to think about how it could affect the relationship in the long term and whether avoiding dealing with insecurity is truly beneficial.
There is a common misconception that sex ends after the orgasm occurs. But that doesn’t have to be the case. This idea takes away value and importance from all of the other delicious moments in a sexual encounter. In short: sex ends whenever we want it to. Sometimes we forget that the goal in sex is not to reach orgasm, but that what matters instead is enjoying it and feeling pleasure.
Written by Natalia Lozano Casique.
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