Stealthing is when a partner secretly removes a condom during sex without the other person’s consent. Stealthing is a form of sexual assault or rape, and it’s not something to be taken lightly. It’s assumed that the practice has been around for as long as condoms have existed. A person may engage in stealthing because they desire to exert power and control over their partner; they may use the excuse that it makes them feel “closer” to you without the barrier of a condom. Men who stealth see their victims as possessions rather than people who have the right to make their own consensual decisions about sex. No matter how a person may try to explain themselves out of stealthing, the act is never okay. This is because stealthing is disrespecting someone’s trust for the other person’s sexual gain — and that is never ok. Sex can be a regular part of any relationship. Two (or more) people engage in something consensual and meaningful to them, regardless of whether they are in a long-term relationship. The keyword here is consent- every sex act should always be consensual. Removing a condom without your partner’s knowledge is not consensual and is always wrong. Sex should always be rooted in consent and should never include actions that one partner does not consent to. If you engage in a sex act that your partner does not consent to, this is considered rape. It’s reasonable to think that all scenarios involving rape are nonconsensual, but when it comes to stealthing, it’s only illegal in California! If you find yourself a victim of stealthing, though, don’t fret. We at SHA are here to guide you on what to do if it happens to you. First, we will begin with a review of why stealthing is only illegal in California.
Stealthing is Illegal in California
In early October of 2021, California became the first state in the United States to make it a crime to remove a condom during sexual intercourse without verbal consent, a practice we know as “stealthing.” The law, AB-453, written by California Assemblymember Cristina Garcia, amends the state’s civil code to classify stealthing as a sexual battery that occurs if a person “causes contact between a sexual organ, from which a condom has been removed, and the intimate part of another who did not verbally consent to the condom being removed.” Although stealthing is considered illegal under California law, it, unfortunately, won’t be considered a criminal offense. Stealthing is considered a civil offense under California law. This will allow people who experience it to sue the perpetrators directly in civil court if they choose to. The new law has an interesting history. In the 2017 legislative session, Garcia tried and failed to amend California's Penal Code to place stealthing within the criminal offense of sexual battery explicitly. At the time, legislators who opposed the bill argued that even though stealthing isn't specifically referenced in the criminal code, the act could be prosecuted as sexual battery or rape under existing criminal laws.
Some legislators, at least, recognized that prosecutors could already charge this conduct as a criminal offense. Garcia was more successful in a 2021 legislative session when she introduced her bill that made it clear that the conduct was a civil sexual battery, too. Ultimately, this led to the enforcement of the law in California, which does deem stealthing illegal but does not consider the act a criminal offense. Overall, prosecutors who charge stealthing as a crime must prove that the conduct violated California's sexual battery law. This law provides that the nonconsensual touching of another person's intimate parts for a sexual purpose is, among other acts, a misdemeanor sexual battery. A victim of stealthing consents to touching another person's intimate parts with a condom. Touching another person without a condom and consent seems to fit California's existing definition of criminal sexual battery. A person found guilty of misdemeanor sexual battery is subject to a fine, up to six months in jail, or both. (Cal. Penal Code § 243.4(e)(1) (2021).)
What to Do if You’re a Victim of Stealthing
First and foremost, immediately following stealthing (or the later realization that you were a victim of stealthing), you must remember that this despicable act is not your fault. You engaged in sex with trust in your partner, and it’s not your fault that they disobeyed your trust. In an article for Elite Daily, Allison Abrams, a psychotherapist in NYC, said the following:
“The first thing any victim should do is remember — regardless of what the perpetrator tries to tell you — that any sexual act without a partner's consent is sexual assault. Agreeing to have sex with someone with a condom is NOT the same as agreeing to have sex without a condom. Do not let anyone tell you differently.”
One of the first things you should do if you are a victim of stealthing is to visit a doctor as having sex without a condom makes you susceptible to STDs, STI,s or even unwanted pregnancy. If you are feeling a loss of control due to this non-consensual experience, visiting your doctor ensures you are keeping your body as healthy as possible and, maybe most importantly, under your control. Additionally, your primary care doctor or gynecologist can provide you with answers on what to do if you have developed an STI or unwanted pregnancy due to your sexual assault. This interaction may provide you with some comfort, as your physician can help you overcome any situations where you aren’t at fault. They will reassure you and provide assistance in your navigation of life post-sexual assault. Also, if you can, physically talking to a trusted person pretty soon following a stealthing incident (or shortly following the realization you were stealthed in the past) is another crucial step. Talking to a trusted person can also provide comfort and reassurance. An authorized person can aid you in your healing process, as they can provide a shoulder for you to lean on as you heal.
Once you’ve seen your doctor for the necessary STI tests, consider speaking with a mental health professional. In the article for Elite Daily, Clarissa Silva, behavioral scientist and author of relationship blog, YOU'RE JUST A DUMBASS, notes that victims should prepare for possible "post-traumatic shock":
“Stealthing may cause post-traumatic shock either through memories of the event, self-doubt, waiting for STI/D results, or pregnancy results/ planning/prevention. For any woman experiencing post-traumatic shock, she should seek services from a therapist specializing in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Most CBT practitioners will have a three to a four-month intervention plan that will address healing from the trauma.”
It’s important to note that although seeking out mental health care won't reverse what happened; it will make dealing with stealing's repercussions significantly easier. This is because trauma-trained therapists will be able to help you navigate through the healing process. Moreover, they will be another shoulder for you to lean on and make it so that the healing process is not a lonely one. A licensed mental health professional will be able to guide you through coping mechanisms and will be able to ensure that you are mentally stable on your healing journey. In addition, they will be able to provide specific exercises and advice to help you on your journey.
Although stealthing is only illegal in California, there may still be something you can legally do about the act if you’re a victim. Jeff Swartz, associate professor of law at Western Michigan University Cooley Law School, explains how a stealthing victim may be able to file a civil suit against the stealthier:
“The basis of the claim would be, even though the victim gave consent for the contact, she did so with conditions where the offender violated the consent conditions. By violating the conditions, the consent is no longer valid, and thus the conduct is without consent.”
In other words, you consented to sex with a condom, not sex without a condom. Therefore, a stealther who removed a condom mid-sex violates what you'd initially agreed on. Swartz says in the case of a civil suit like this, the victim could file for compensatory damages (money) and punitive damages (other sorts of compensation when money isn't enough). It’s important to remember that aside from the risk of STIs or STDs and pregnancy for cis-women, depression, anxiety, a lack of trust in future relationships, and post-traumatic stress disorder can all result from rape/ sexual assault. Legally, a victim of stealthing should be able to do something about anything they may have to face as a victim unjustly. Stealthing should be considered a criminal offense, but until it is, a victim needs to be able to receive any type of legal compensation for their unjust experience.
Overall, the removal of a condom without consent is not the victim's fault—no matter what. First off, seek the help of a doctor who can ensure that your body hasn't suffered any unwanted consequences., If you have suffered any of these things, your doctor will be able to guide you on how to heal your body. Stealthing can also inflict mental trauma so consider seeking the comfort of a trusted friend and/or a therapist who can aid you in your healing process. You can also seek out a support group of people who have gone through sexual assault; they may be able to guide you through coping. You are not alone, and you will be able to heal from the trauma you’ve experienced.
By Alyssa Morterud