This article mentions sexual violence
Time and time again displays of niceness and friendliness are perceived as some form of sexual interest. Whilst for many women, showing a smile and being friendly is what a decent person does, men often misinterpret this signal as flirting or a sign they are interested sexually. This can then result in an uncomfortable situation, where more often than not the female counterpart still has to remain friendly and polite to prevent the situation from escalating. Whilst this article is by no means an attempt to generalize, it does aim to explain why men can perceive friendliness as flirting and the social psychology behind it.
It’s a heartbreaking experience when innocent politeness or conversation becomes mistaken for sexual desire, and the moment we realise this has happened, we wish we never engaged in the conversation in the first place. A 2017 study on the dopaminergic reward system and gender differences in social preferences reveals that women tend to display more “prosocial behavior” in comparison to men due to the dopaminergic activity in women’s brains. In more simple terms, this means that women display higher levels of warmth in their interactions in comparison to men. The paper further explains that this phenomenon is not necessarily innate or hard-wired, but instead, gender-related reward processing may be the result of social expectations and the self-fulfilling prophecy. They write: “for an early age, women may receive more positive feedback for prosocial behavior than men, which may lead to an internalization of cultural norms and make prosocial behavior more valuable and predictive of rewarding feedback.” Through positive reinforcement, we are encouraged to act in a socially acceptable prosocial way—always being polite and friendly to everyone, even if they make us feel uncomfortable.
Studies have further shown that this misinterpretation can go both ways, but one is clearly more harmful than the other. A 2015 study at the Norwegian University of Science and Technology found that women reported that men often misinterpret their signals of friendliness as sexual interest, and the men reported that women misinterpret their signals of sexual interest as friendliness. This misinterpretation from the women’s side could mean that she is aware of the sexual interest of the man, but is shutting down the sexual invitation through friendliness. Researcher Mons Bendixen reveals that they were surprised by the results: “The fascinating thing is that our results are identical to a study done in the USA, even though Norway is one of the most gender-equal, sexually liberal countries in the world.” No matter where you are geographically located, mixed signals and wrong interpretations are going to happen.
Why are men so confused?
There is thought to be two main theories behind this misinterpretation:
Evolutionary perspective
*Yuck* I personally hate when poor human behavior is justified by an evolutionary trait, but nonetheless, it is worth discussing it. A Medium article elaborates on the error management theory. This states that from an evolutionary perspective, men have evolved to exaggerate sexual interest in order to reproduce as much as possible, they seize every opportunity to spread their genes through offspring. Women, on the other hand, are thought to have evolved to under-percieve sexual interest in order to “avoid making a child with a neglectful father.” This theory honestly sucks and can have very dangerous consequences if we were to fully accept it. The evolutionary perspective can be used to justify sexual harrassment and assault against women, with the excuse that the man’s biological need to reproduce gives moral reason for him to commit an act of sexual violence. This is entirely false.
Social-roles theory
This claims that sexual misconception is down to societal norms. In countries where there is a lack of gender equality, men may have more difficulty in differentiating kindness from sexual interest. However, if we look back to the study in Norway, the most gender-equal country, misinterpretations still happen. Therefore, it can be concluded that social-roles have no influence on misinterpretation and that there must be another reason for this constant misinterpretation.
Regardless of any previous or new theories of why men can mistake niceness for flirting, these do not stand as a reason to defend sexually inappropriate behaviour. Me, or any other woman who smiles at you or asks you how your day is going is being polite; she’s being a decent person. These interactions are not a sexual invitation and should not be acted on as such. Moreover, friendliness is not a justification for sexual assault nor should be used as a victim-blaming tactic. If you think a friend is flirting with you, and you have an interest in them too, ask them! If the response to “are you interested in me?” or “how would you feel about going on a date together?” is a no—respect that boundary. She is not a tease, and she wasn’t leading you on. She was simply being a decent person and you understood her actions incorrectly. What many men are unaware of is the unwritten socializing rules we females are taught. In a situation where we feel unsafe or threatened by a man, we are taught to stay polite and kind. We grow up thinking that showing anger or retaliating against a man will only escalate the situation and can result in violence against us. A 2016 study found that 60% of women have experienced “unwanted sexual attention, sexual coercion, sexually crude conduct, or sexist comments” in the workplace. They stay polite and quiet, both in fear of losing the job, and the co-worker becoming more threatening. So many women have felt threatened and unsafe, both in the workplace and in the world, and this is something that cannot be explained or justified by any evolutionary or social theories.
By Stephanie McCartney