Premarital sex. Sex without love. Sex for pleasure not procreation. Sex with blindfolds and knots. Sex five times a week. Have you ever been accused of engaging in these activities and condemned as a morally corrupt or chaotic person? Or told that you have “lost your innocence” and along with it, the core values you learned growing up? If you’re anything like me—breathing promiscuity more than oxygen—you’ll relate!
Morality and sexuality often become intertwined in conversations, and being an openly sexual person sometimes feels similar to being convicted of moral crimes. It is important to note that sex itself is not a moral categorization, but it can find itself in situations where moral standards may apply. Thus, nonconsensual and intentionally hurtful acts would be immoral—but because they are nonconsensual and intentionally hurtful, not because they are sex acts. When it comes to simply being provocative and honest about your sexual needs, the impulse to moralize should take a hike.
Double Standards
No one should be put in a position where they need to choose between avoiding moral censure and living as their healthiest sexual selves. We should be able to do both of those things! People should not have to abide by anyone’s opinionated, overly-constrained sexual morals. For instance, the disturbing patriarchal system that we still live under has different moral standards for two particular sexes. For men, the moral grounds seem to be more flexible and free, while for women we much more often see repression and exploitation. For instance, casual sexual experiences enjoyed by women are rarely described with words like “decent” or “respectable.” More often, words and phrases like “woman of ill repute” and “unprincipled” become part of the vocabulary.
Basically, the cultural perception seems to be that if a woman likes to sleep around, her morals are as loose as a doomed tooth. Apart from this, even a girl kissing another girl becomes morally wrong in places where identifying as LGBTQIA+ is illegal and against cultural ideals. The lines between healthy sexual expression and morality are more often than not blurred, and end up complicating the very nature of sexual freedom. Sexuality is a natural spice in the recipe of being human, so why not let others indulge in it deliciously?
No Saviors, Please
Many people also view sex workers through a moralizing lens. In numerous societies, sex work is considered degrading and often a violation of cultural standards. Sex work, though, is just like any other kind of job: you’re paying someone to use their skills and provide you with a service you want. Managers and educators profit from providing services that include the use of their leadership and coaching qualities—how is that any different from sex workers benefiting from their sexuality?
Additionally, the pervasive moralizing argument would have you believe that sex workers are victims to save and protect. But sex workers do not need to be morally liberated or rescued when all they want is to have the same rights as any other labor worker. A 2015 study investigating job satisfaction among sex workers showed that 66% of them found their job to be fun and over half of the subjects regarded the work as “rewarding.” Thus, it is important to understand the vast difference between voluntary, forced sex work and sex trafficking when it comes to affixing sex work with morality.
Doing Better than Moralizing
The basic structure of moral standards that many communities abide by is still unduly sex-negative. Abstinence-only sex education, slut shaming, and exaggerated STI risks are a few examples of how sex itself is often regarded as a dangerous, devious act. What’s ethical in sex, therefore, gets muddled with religious and societal convictions. If you’re looking for a quick recap on what might constitute an ethical sexual experience or ethical sexuality, below is a short list for you!
Mutual verbal consent is a big one to hammer into your memory. Also, make sure that your partner is comfortable by asking them questions like “Does this feel okay?”. Read your partner’s body language throughout the experience to ensure they’re relaxed and enjoying the moment.
Open communication before, during, and after sex is highly advocated. Talk about your do’s and don’ts before you jump into the bed to prevent harm and then give each other space after sex to appreciate and reflect on what worked or didn’t for the next time. Also, make space for STI disclosure and prevention strategies if needed.
Establishing safe words is extremely important–especially when you’re diving into your kinks.
End the experience with thoughtful aftercare. This can include anything from offering water/food to spooning– depending on how intimate you want it to be.
In the end, unless someone is deliberately trying to hurt, embarrass you with their sexuality or you experience negligent sexual behavior, let’s drift away from interfering in their sexual lives with what you think is morally right and wrong. Give people their rightful space to be unapologetically healthy sexual beings!
Written by Shreya Tomar.
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