When breakups occur, partners may feel a variety of different emotions, particularly related to the losses they are experiencing. While the loss of a friend and romantic partner is most frequently expressed in the media, the loss of a reliable sexual partner is often overlooked. This desire to have positive sexual contact and form bonds of trust and sexual compatibility is completely valid, and a very important part of a relationship for many people. Breakups bring change, and one of those changes for those who engage in sex is a change in sexual habit and practice, especially from long-term partners who have established routines and know each others’ sexual interests.
Post-breakup, partners may experience different sexual desires. Some may seek an increase in sex with new partners, while others may focus on themselves in this new period of being single. Seeking more sex is often referred to as “rebound sex,” which is controversial in its practice. On one hand, getting intimate with a new person can redirect negative emotions and serve as a distraction from the thoughts surrounding your breakup. The results of sex, such as the release of hormones like oxytocin and achieving orgasm, can have a positive impact on your body and its function. Especially in the cases of heartbreak, moving on with new partners can help you to see that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel in the negative emotions of the breakup. Exploring intimacy with a new person can give you hope that you will be able to move on from your previous relationship and enjoy being single or enter into new relationships.
Rebound sex also has its drawbacks, though. Some counselors describe this desire to be intimate with new people right away as an “escape” from the emotions of the breakup, ultimately pushing them down and pretending like they are of no or little concern. If the rebound sex is intended to hurt your former partner, often called “revenge sex,” this can be a sign that you are engaging in a damaging coping mechanism and hurting others along the way. Some even claim that this focus on sex will prolong the healing process after a breakup, especially for those who do not process their emotions through sex. So while rebound sex is neither inherently good nor bad, you must be aware of your emotional state and coping mechanisms to make sure they are in line with your values.
Perhaps the most controversial post-breakup sex is breakup sex itself, which is when the former partners have sex with each other. This can happen for a variety of reasons, but studies have shown that “relationship maintenance, hedonism, and ambivalence” are the top three motivations. Relationship maintenance refers to the need for emotional support, hedonism refers to the spike of pleasure-seeking after the loss of a sexual partner, and ambivalence refers to the uncertainty of desire. Breakup sex is actually limited to sex within the first two weeks following a breakup, while sex after that point is referred to as “ex-sex”! Penis-owners tend to experience more hedonism and ambivalence as breakup sex motivations while vulva-owners tend to experience relationship maintenance and the need for emotional stability.
This study into the psychology of breakup sex found that both men and women experienced psychological consequences from breakup sex: for men, they felt more self-confidence after breakup sex, and for women, they felt more confident about their relationships. However, despite its prevalence in the media as a common occurrence, the study concludes that it is not a beneficial practice. Partners are almost never on the same page about the meaning and consequences of the breakup sex. This incongruence can lead to significant complications in the nature of the relationship and disproportionately benefits men.
A Vice article outlines great suggestions for what to do when you feel like you are ready to move on from a breakup and explore intimacy with a new person or new people. First, work on your own emotions and make sure you are listening to your own needs and desires. Putting down substances and turning inward using tools like journaling, taking walks, and engaging in your favorite hobbies can help aid this process of getting in tune with yourself. Prioritizing your needs as an independent person is critical in this stage of a breakup. Once you feel in touch with yourself, you can decide when and if you are ready to have sex with a new partner. Vice suggests finding someone who you trust and who is on the same page as you in terms of what you both desire from sex and from your relationship. After a breakup, many people aren’t ready to just jump into their next relationship, so finding someone you can communicate with honestly about your needs and desires is crucial. It is perfectly valid to look for something casual, just as long as you are open about it! This might not be the first person you talk to at the bar, but it’s worth waiting to avoid a situation in which you are not on the same page. Heartbreak can happen when you might not want anything serious but your new partner is looking for marriage! Above all, listen to yourself and be honest about your needs. Your own healing and growth are the most important part of this whole process, and sex is just an additional benefit. Be gentle with yourself and with others.
By Sydney Sullivan