On National Coming Out Day—acknowledged every October 11th since 1988—many LGBTQIA+ persons will take their very first steps toward a public-facing queer identity. Others will look back in remembrance of their own previous experiences with “coming out,” while others still will practice their allyship by supporting their queer friends in venturing forth and boldly inviting the world in on their own authentic truth.
At the same time, some queer folks will quietly watch all of the above with mixed emotions or perhaps outright sadness, unable to safely and securely present themselves to the world in a manner that best aligns with their own inner self.
With the full range of queer experiences in mind, then, let’s celebrate this National Coming Out Day in a manner that truly recognizes and appreciates the nuances of a topic as complex as this one.
Coming Out Should always be a Personal Choice
Let’s start by getting one of the most unwaveringly important points out on the table: coming out is always a personal choice. It doesn’t matter if you’re their doctor or their therapist, their teacher or their parent, their best friend or their worst enemy: we do not out people without their consent.
Outing someone without their consent does more than rob someone of their agency. Depending on the situation, it can put them at risk of losing their job, their home, their relationship, their family, or even their life. No matter who you are and what role you find yourself playing, I invite you to repeat after me, with no hesitation in your voice whatsoever: we do not out people without their consent.
Coming Out is not mandatory
Coming out can be freeing, empowering, uplifting, and altogether life-changing. For some people, it opens the door to a greater sense of authenticity, self-expression, and self-determination. The potentially transformative effects of living your life out loud can barely be overstated, and the joy that comes with aligning your inner and outer lives can hardly be matched.
For some people.
For others, in other circumstances, coming out is simply not safe. We do a disservice to many in our community when we over-prioritize the encouraging and celebratory rhetoric and thereby erase the struggles of those for whom adopting a public-facing queer identity is just not an option.
National Coming Out Day is a day for anyone who is ready and able to step out into the world as their authentic and aligned self—but it’s also an occasion during which we must be mindful to not let our expressions of joy become unreflective salt in the wounds of those who find themselves unable to openly share in that joy with us.
To those who see themselves in these words: take your time. Be safe. No matter how open you are with your queer identity, you are always a part of our community.
Coming Out is Rarely Something You Do Only Once
Given the way that I personally present and move through the world, many people who meet me don’t realize that I’m a transgender woman. Other times, they succeed in seeing me as trans but incorrectly assume that I’m a trans man—which I pretty consistently find to be hilarious. And given that there are no external markers to tip people off that I’m asexual and aromantic, I find myself in the position of having to come out to nearly every person I end up talking with about sex, love, and relationships.
It’s strange, then, that some people think that coming out is a one-and-done kind of thing: you come out once and then—voilà—you’re out! As delightfully simple as that would be, it just simply isn’t how it is. Coming out is something that many of us who hold queer identities end up doing not just often, but regularly—sometimes, even daily.
Coming Out Is Not a Lifetime Commitment
Like perhaps many of you, I wanted to wait to come out until I was absolutely sure of my identity. In doing so, what I failed to take into consideration is the fact that queer identity is often dynamic: as we explore, learn, and grow, the lenses through which we understand ourselves will very often evolve along with us. For some, this can feel like added pressure: you already came out once, and now you have to come out again, as something else?
Isn’t that an admission of error? Of fault or confusion? Of indecisiveness or a lack of seriousness?
No. That’s fine. That’s normal. That’s great—it means that you’re a living, growing being. I’ve come out as non-binary, agender, genderqueer, trans feminine, trans woman; and I’ve come out as bisexual, pansexual, asexual, and probably others that I’m forgetting. Updating the lenses through which I understand myself isn’t an admission of confusion or error. Quite the opposite: it’s part of an ongoing process of trying to clarify and understand the incalculable complexities of human experience.
Coming Out Is No One’s Moment But Yours
After many failed attempts, I finally fully came out to someone for the first time—a partner, years ago. And I quickly ended up apologizing to her. Why? Because she was tired and it was a bad time for me to bring it up. A few years later, my act of coming out to a family member led to a heated argument, and to this day that family member insists that I should have told them in a manner that prioritized their feelings, not mine. In both instances, I left the conversations feeling convinced that I had come out…wrong.
Nonsense. Unless you’re actively causing harm, there is no way to “come out wrong.” That moment in which you come out to someone is your moment, not to be taken away from you by having that someone center themselves and their reaction. That’s not to say it won’t happen—in a cisheteronormative culture, people are unfortunately often more shocked to be confronted with what we’re not (cis, straight, etc.) rather than delighted to learn about what we are (queer). That shock can lead to a flipping of the script, with the person in the vulnerable position now feeling pressured to console or comfort the other.
We can’t control the reactions of others, but we can do a lot to control our own. So, if someone comes out to you: put yourself aside and give them their moment. Doing otherwise can be devastating.
Coming Out Is made safer by a Culture of Allyship
In the pursuit of allyship, we sometimes see well-intentioned but nonetheless unreflective attempts to encourage and celebrate queer liberation—attempts that unfortunately bottom out in naive and reductive characterizations of queer experiences. In our efforts to support others along their journeys, we can’t let our conception of coming out fall into that same trap.
Coming out can be simple and it can be complicated. It can be empowering and it can be terrifying. It can set you free and it can put you in significant danger. Sometimes, there’s no way of knowing what the outcome will be until you do it—and other times still, you no longer even have the choice due to the simple fact that someone else robbed you of it by inappropriately taking it upon themselves to publicize your identity first.
None of this, however, is due to queerness itself. None of these complications are on you. Instead, what makes coming out so complicated is our culture of cisheteronormativity—a culture that makes “coming out” a thing that we feel we even have to do in the first place.
So, allies, how can you get started today in helping queer people everywhere have an easier time finding an authentic alignment between their public and private selves? The complicated answer is actually very simple: notice the cisheteronormativity both around you and within you.
When you see it, name it.
When you name it, reject it.
In doing so, you’ll be playing at least one small part in creating a world without closets.
And no matter who you are, that’s a part with playing.
Written by Ley David Elliette Cray, PhD (she/they), GSRD (Gender, Sexuality, and Relationship Diversity) Content Specialist for the Sexual Health Alliance.
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