The concept of love languages was developed by Gary Chapman in his book: The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. In the book, he described the five styles of communicating love. These categories have been based on his experience in marriage counseling. Each person has different preferences in the way they communicate love and wish to receive it. This article will explore the love languages, how to demonstrate them, and the validity behind them.
1. Words of Affirmation
People who have this love language value verbal acknowledgment of affection. This includes compliments, words of appreciation, verbal encouragement, and being told “I love you.” Receiving these expressions makes them feel understood and appreciated. If your partner has this love language, you can take action by sending unexpected notes or texts. You can further provide affirmation by genuinely encouraging them, telling them that they are capable of overcoming their current and upcoming challenges. As someone whose love language is words of affirmation, I love nothing more than someone telling me that they enjoy spending time with me, or are proud of me.
2. Quality Time
This love language means you feel the most appreciated when your partner actively wants to spend time with them. This time together is focused on presence. There is active listening, eye contact and very few distractions. If you have this love language, you may feel you have a strong desire to actively spend time with your significant other(s). To show this love language to your partner, intention is key. Take time to create special moments together where you can focus on eachother, whether this is a walk or a picnic.
3. Acts of Service
In this love language, you value when your partner goes out of their way to make your life a little easier. This can include: making a coffee for you in the morning, or running some errands when you have a busy day at work. Acts of service as a love language means you believe that actions speak louder than words; it means more if your partner actively tries to alleviate your daily workload compared to complimenting you.
4. Gift Giving
This love language is as straight-forward as they come. You feel loved and appreciated when given a visual and physical symbol of love. By no means is this love language based on money being spent on the gift, but the thought and intention behind them. People with this love language value the process behind it—the reflection and deliberate thought in choosing a gift. Small things matter in a big way. If your partner has this love language, this doesn’t mean you need to buy your partner luxurious jewelry every week, but instead smaller and more sentimental gifts. Your partner's favorite drink is on sale? Go buy them a few cans! You see a pretty pebble at the beach? Pick it up and give it to them! Gift giving is about intention, not money.
5. Physical Touch
This love language means feeling most loved when receiving physical affection. This can include: kissing, holding hands, cuddling, and sex. Physical intimacy and touch “can be incredibly affirming and serve as a powerful emotional connector for people with this love language.” If your partner has this love language, make intimacy a thoughtful priority.
Finding Out Your Love Language and the Validity of Them
Working out your love language can be a great way to connect with your partner and find out ways to strengthen your relationship. The online quiz is free and easy to use. It is quick and simple, as well as gives you a breakdown of your connection to each love language. There have been debates on the scientific validity of love languages, for example Stefani Goerlich, psychotherapist, points out that the love languages were not based on clinical research. However, Goerlich has found that using the love languages as a framework can help couples to learn how to communicate better about their needs. “I have found that 8 out of 10 times, whatever the issues are that my client-couples bring to the table, they are rooted in a fundamental misalignment in how each partner gives and receives love.”
Clinical research on the love languages has brought mixed results. Whilst a study in 2000 concluded that the love languages can be a more effective framework than others in terms of communication, a 2017 study concluded differently. This paper found that the love languages only work when “both spouses exhibit appropriate self-regulatory behaviors.” This demonstrates that the theory of love languages only works if all partners are able to control and change their behavior and actions. Despite the lack of scientific validity, understanding your and your partner’s love language can help improve the way you give and receive love in your relationship. Learning about love languages can open up further ways to communicate affection, in turn allowing more opportunities to express emotional needs.
It is entirely possible to have different love languages in terms of giving and receiving. Whilst you feel most loved when your partner does the grocery shopping for you, you prefer to show love by leaving them notes around the house. Love languages have the two sides of giving and receiving, so it is completely normal for each side to resonate with a different love language. It is important not to assume that your partner is aware of this. You need to make a point to communicate your specific needs for your love language instead of assuming that they know. Make a point of expressing your gratitude when they do something that meets your love language. Having contrasting love languages does not mean that the relationship is doomed to fail, it simply means you may have to change the way you show love in order to meet your partner’s emotional needs. By altering the way you show love in order to match how your partner receives love, your relationship and connection with your partner can improve.
By Stephanie McCartney