I can’t even begin to count the number of stigmas surrounding STIs—that is, sexually transmitted infections. Remember when people refused to shake hands with others who had HIV/AIDS? Yeah, people thought they would get AIDS from simply touching someone infected. Princess Dianna went from being an iconic princess to an iconic queen that fabled day, because she decided to back scientific findings on HIV/AIDS and shake infected patients’ hands. Or remember when people wouldn’t share bathrooms with others with STIs? All kinds of unfounded stigmas like this exist, especially toward one STI in particular: herpes! An STI endured by nearly 48% of the American population is still victim to misinformation and myths, which can make living with it quite lonesome and confusing.
In reality, people with herpes lead normal lives, having relationships and socializing as anyone would. Educating yourself on the topic is the safest and easiest way to go about living stress-free with herpes and stopping the spread of misinformation. So, what is life like for someone who has herpes? Before we can have that conversation, we should review the facts.
The Facts
Herpes, aka Herpes Simplex Virus, comes in many forms, but here we’ll focus on two: Type 1 (HSV-1) and Type 2 (HSV-2). Understanding the difference between these two is essential for developing safe and healthy lifestyle choices for both you and those around you. According to the World Health Organization (WHO), Type 1 (HSV-1) is mostly spread through oral contact (e.g. kissing, sharing drinks, oral sex). It can cause infections in the form of oral herpes or cold sores on your lips or in your mouth. In addition to the sores, genital herpes can also occur with HSV-1. Type 2 (HSV-2) is spread through sexual contact (or potentially other activities involving physical contact). Much like HSV-1, HSV-2 can cause genital herpes.
Does this mean people with herpes infect everyone they come into personal contact with? No. As a matter of fact, according to the New Zealand Herpes Foundation, 80% of people aren’t even aware they have genital herpes. It is only when someone experiences something called a “primary infection” that they might initially get the idea something’s up. This still raises the question of whether or not people with herpes are passing it to everyone they know. Antiviral medications mixed in with the use of condoms help to prevent or slow down the spread. Medications and protection must be used daily and for long periods of time, similar to how medications for HIV/AIDS work.
Relationships
Leading a healthy, safe life is totally possible for those with herpes. Since herpes might now seem a little less scary, what’s it like to be in a relationship with someone who has it?
First and foremost, establishing good communication and making healthy choices are keys to having relationships where herpes is a factor. Educating yourself and your significant other spreads positive awareness and promotes safe choices, delaying the infection rate and time of infection significantly. The American Sexual Health Association (ASHA) states that 60 days is the average transmission time of herpes for those in relationships who did not disclose that they had it. However, when an honest and open conversation took place, the average transmission time turned into 270 days—more than a 200-day difference. It is important to remember that herpes should be viewed and treated seriously but also as a potentially minor inconvenience, rather than as a life-threatening, make-or-break condition. An understanding that the risk of getting herpes is never zero helps to maintain a positive and open relationship as well.
Herpes is most likely to be spread when the person is enduring an outbreak, so what does that mean? Well, avoiding sexual contact and activities until the outbreak goes away is a choice a couple could make. Using antiviral medications is also another way couples can reduce their risk of passing herpes along.
Though the stigma is real and many who experience herpes may feel too embarrassed to talk about the infection, it is critical to note that no one is alone in this journey. Through the New Zealand Herpes Foundation, anonymous quotes were collected from those living with–but not suffering from–herpes. For example,
“The first time I told someone I had genital herpes in the early stages of a relationship, he said: ‘You want to know something… I have it too.’ I couldn’t believe it.. All that worry… We had to laugh” – JM
"When I found out, it felt like the end of the world, I thought I would never have sex again...When I eventually told friends about it, I found out that 2 of them had it and my last boyfriend had it too. I realized it was so so common and not the big deal I thought it was." – VP
It is quotes like these that really show that having an open and honest conversation with one’s partner can bring more positivity than harm. Not only does this decision make the relationship a safer space, but the partners can learn more about each other while building trust. Have the conversation, keep it positive, and understand that with proper education and precaution, herpes is not a threatening condition but rather a minor inconvenience.
Moving forward
Know someone with herpes? Or are you someone who just wants to know more? Maybe you’re trying to figure out how to have that talk with your special someone. Whoever you may be, you should be proud of yourself for making the choice of getting educated. Those living with herpes are commonly stigmatized to seem dirty, or careless, but that is simply not the case. Through education, myths about herpes can finally be eliminated, and soon after the stigmas will be eliminated, too. So stay safe, stay healthy, and educate yourself!
Written by Ali Rei.