“How am I 30 and I didn’t know this?” My cousin said to me, laughing though I knew she was serious.
“Probably because no one wants you to know,” I responded, laughing as well but just as seriously.
We’re talking about hymens. As both sexually active adults, we haven’t necessarily thought about our hymens in quite some time; they are no longer on our radar as “virginity” is a thing of the past for both of us. I had just told her the astonishing but scientifically accurate information that vulva-owners, regardless of sexual activity, have a hymen. And, as you can see, she was floored.
Yes, if you’re someone waiting to have vaginal intercourse until marriage, you have a hymen. What they don’t tell you is that if you’re someone who’s been with multiple sexual partners and is living a free-flowing lifestyle, you still have your hymen. You didn’t “break” it. But that’s not what you were told.
We are brainwashed to believe that the hymen is more than it really is. So what exactly is the hymen? A quick Google search immediately shows Planned Parenthood’s definition:
“The hymen is a thin, fleshy tissue that's located at the opening of your vagina. ... Just like other parts of our body, hymens are a little different for everyone. Your hymen can be stretched open the first time you have vaginal sex, which might cause some pain or bleeding.”
While Planned Parenthood is an excellent resource, they don’t always get everything right. First of all, they talk about hymens in regards to virginity—and the act of “losing it”—instead of simply talking about hymens as a biological phenomenon.
Because that’s all they are—a biological phenomenon. In Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life, Emily Nagoski covers all the perpetuated myths regarding the female body and women’s sexuality. Understandably so, she exposes the truth about hymens and their lack of function. As Nagoski explains, as far as science has discovered, the hymen was not selected for by evolution. It has no function. “It’s a byproduct,” she says, “a little bonus left behind by the juggernaut of evolutionary selection pressure, like male nipples.”
Not only do they have no function, but the hymen’s shape and size also vary. In fact, some might not have been born with one! There are four general types of hymens:
Perforate*: When the hymen does not completely cover the vaginal opening, but instead is a crescent moon shape, allowing menstrual blood to pass through freely. This is what the majority of vulva-owners have.
Imperforate: When the hymen completely covers the vaginal opening.
Microperforate: When there is a small hole in the hymen, while the majority of the vaginal opening remains covered.
Septate: When the hymen has two holes and a band of flesh separating the two like osmosis.
Surgery could be necessary for certain imperforate or microperforate instances, but this would only be to allow a way for menstrual blood to leave the body. In short, the hymen is a fleshy piece of skin at the vaginal opening and it could have a hole, or no hole, or two holes. Either way, all hymens are normal, all hymens are beautiful.
While this anatomical information is usually glossed over, if not ignored completely, the message that one will/must “break” their hymen, therefore leading to bleeding, during their first session of vaginal intercourse. Planned Parenthood’s page perpetuates this myth.
The hymen doesn’t break, or, for that matter, stay broken. If it does happen to “break,” it will heal itself. It can be painful if the hymen is not used to being stretched, but this is normal and, when it’s stretched regularly, the hymen gets more flexible. If there is any bleeding from one’s first vaginal intercourse, it is most likely due to lack of lubrication.
“How am I 30 and I didn’t know this?” is what my cousin asked, bewildered, but I wasn’t surprised, as I have only within the last year learned this information for myself. The hymen doesn’t really mean anything—it’s simply a part of your beautiful vulva—yet to this day, we uphold the societal and cultural beliefs that have a real impact on women’s physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual wellbeing. These beliefs on the hymen were conceived with scientific ignorance and as yet another means to patrol women and their bodies. While, as Nagoski proves, we are no longer (entirely) ignorant about the body, we still uphold that last part. This is why knowledge is power. Once you learn the truth, the hymen looks a lot less daunting.
*In an attempt to disempower the terms “normal” or “average” when it comes to sexuality and one’s intimate biology, I use the term “perforate,” or able to pierce or make holes in, to refer to the most common hymen.
by Shelby Lueders