International Pronouns Day has been acknowledged on the third Wednesday of every October since 2018. It’s a time not just to share and reaffirm our pronouns, but also to continuing educating ourselves on the topic. Many of us are already well aware of the health risks that correlate with misgendering, but we might still lack comfort and confidence with some of the subtle nuances of both pronouns and discussions about them.
In that spirit, we’ve put together a short primer on some aspects of pronouns that you might still find yourself wondering about. And even if you’re familiar with everything below, you might consider passing it on to anyone else in your life who still finds themself struggling—or outright resistant.
What are pronouns?
Very loosely speaking, pronouns are words that are used in place of nouns, with context typically clarifying who or what the pronoun refers to. The general class of pronouns in English includes, but is not limited to: I, you, me, we, us, he, her, they, it, this, that, these, here, there, now, then, today, tomorrow, etc., as well as variants of each.
As you can see, those who flippantly or dismissively claim that they “don’t do pronouns” pretty clearly just don’t know what pronouns are. To even state “I don’t do pronouns,” you have to use a pronoun.
What's the relation between pronouns and gender?
In English, some pronouns are conventionally used to convey gendered information. When it comes to third-person singular personal pronouns, he typically carries masculine-coded information, she typically carries feminine-coded information, and they typically remains neutral of any gendered information. Since they is typically gender-neutral, it is also typically a safe pronoun to use in almost any context, since you cannot misgender someone with a gender-neutral pronoun. (You can, however, erase or ignore someone’s gender through the use of they—so be mindful.)
Gender is typically taken to divide into two distinct but related concepts: gender identity and gender expression. Gender identity is an existential sense of how one relates to and moves through the world of gender-coded social norms and expectations. Gender expression is how one expresses their gender identity to the world around them. Hair styles, clothing, vocal inflection, etc., are all part of gender expression—and so is pronoun usage.
What's the deal with ‘they’?
The gender-neutral personal pronoun they admits of both singular and plural use. This is not new, but instead dates back to the 14th century. In fact, the usage of singular they in English goes back further than the usage of singular you, which doesn’t really show up until the 17th century.
The pronoun you used to be exclusively plural, with thou being used as the singular second-person personal pronoun. Linguistic norms changed, and for a while, people resisted: dropping thou and using you as both a singular and a plural pronoun, they said, would be confusing. Since the reference of a pronoun is typically disambiguated through context, however, this turned out to not be a problem. These days, thou is obsolete and you plays a dual role.
The "debate" over the use of they as a singular pronoun is analogous to the past debate over the use of you as a singular pronoun. And, of course, we see how that turned out. Why bother reinventing this debate, then— especially when consider the fact that the use of singular they predates it?
What about "preferred" pronouns?
Back up. Someone's pronouns are their pronouns, not their "preferred" pronouns. The word “preferred” is superfluous, and using it only when referring to the pronoun choices of trans, non-binary, or gender-nonconforming people is a way of indicating that you take their gender expression to be an inauthentic expression of their gender identity. And that is simply outside of your conceptual jurisdiction.
Again, pronouns are a part of gender expression, but people are free to subvert expectations and introduce apparent "incongruities" between their gender identity and gender expression in any way and to any extent that they want, for any reason that they want. In other words, just as people can, for any reason, have any haircut or wear any clothes that they want, they can also use any pronouns they want.
And those pronouns—just like yours—are just their pronouns, not “preferred” pronouns.
Why do some people struggle so much with pronoun usage?
That’s a good question, and here’s one possible answer. The vocabularies of languages divide into categories: nouns, verbs, adjectives, etc. These categories themselves divide into two further categories: open class and closed class categories. Open class categories are those that can be indefinitely added to, even when fluency has been achieved: you can be fluent in a language, that is, and still add vocabulary to open class categories without it destabilizing your fluency. Nouns, verbs, adjectives, and adverbs are open class: a fluent speaker of, say, English, can still learn indefinitely many new nouns, verbs, adjectives, and adverbs.
Closed class categories are those that typically cannot be added to without introducing some destabilization to fluency. Consider articles: a, an, and the. Fluent speakers of English will master those three articles. Adding a new, novel article to the list would require, in a sense, relearning a good chunk of the language. It would, in this way, destabilize fluency.
Pronouns have typically been classified as closed class: learning new, novel pronouns is destabilizing to a sense of fluency. (Though remember the earlier point on singular they: it is not a new, novel pronoun.) Some people take that feeling of destabilization to be exciting. Others find it aversive.
One way of understanding contemporary "debates" about pronouns is that there is a shift away from taking pronouns to be closed-class and a shift toward taking them to be open-class. That would be really interesting linguistic development—and if you can get yourself into a curious state of mind, you’ll see that this is a really interesting time to be a language speaker!
Okay, since learning and using new pronouns is so hard, I can be excused from using them...right?
No. As a matter of self-respect, you might try holding yourself to a higher standard than that, keeping in mind that you are capable of doing the work that goes into respecting those around you.
But…but…Grammar! I care about the language!
People who say this tend to not know a whole lot about the language.
First, realize that there is no such thing as a language, such as English, in any monolithic sense. What we call "English" is a big and messy conglomeration of linguistic systems, dialects, etc.. To speak as if there is one thing that is English is to buy into a reductive myth.
Next, realize that grammar—compositional rules governing sentence construction informed by a language's system of syntax and semantics—is a complex mix of descriptive and prescriptive. Conventionally, a grammar is an organically emerging system based on how people tend to use a language. That system gains and maintains its prescriptive force only insofar as it is an effective means of facilitating coordination and communication. As the needs of coordination and communication change, so do the tendencies of common use, and hence, so do the norms of grammar. To be a so-called "Grammar Nazi" is to fundamentally misunderstand the nature of grammar itself. (I also don't really understand why anyone would self-identify as a Nazi of any kind. It's not a good look.)
After that, if you still find yourself pushing back on peoples' pronoun usage, take a good moment to ask yourself: why? Do you have a problem with their right to autonomy and self-determination? Are you under the false impression that you understand the relation between their gender identity and gender expression better than they do? Are you simply holding onto inaccurate conceptions of how language works? Are you too lazy to conduct yourself in a respectful manner? Figure out the root of your hesitancy and then do the internal work required to move forward.
But...what if I don't respect those around me?
Cool. Then you're off the hook. But if that's how you approach issues of respect, maybe don't involve yourself in communities. Communities are held together by bonds of mutual respect, so go sit somewhere else. Be by yourself.
Okay, you convinced me. But I'm still so worried I'll mess up!
Start off by accepting that you will mess up. Messing up is fine—as long as you’re acting in good faith. Everyone knows that. In the inevitable event that you do use the wrong pronoun for someone, just correct it, apologize, and move on. Seriously, it takes two words: "sorry, [correct pronoun]." Anything beyond that is overstaying your welcome. Don't make it more awkward than it has to be, and don't make it about you.
Can you point me to more resources on this topic?
Yes! First, head on over to MyPronouns.org—you'll learn things. You might also take a look at Archie Bongiovanni and Tristan Jimerson's A Quick and Easy Guide to They/Them Pronouns. If want to learn about what are sometimes called neopronouns, you can check out this article over at Mindbodygreen.
For something more in-depth, you could check out Dennis Baron's What's Your Pronoun?: Beyond He and She. And if you’re after a more scholarly approach, Robin Dembroff and Daniel Wodak's 2018 Ergo article "He/She/They/Ze" is absolutely fantastic.
Finally, a perhaps most importantly: talk to the people in your community. Learn from them, keeping in mind that learning requires listening. Good listening requires humility. Be humble.
Written by Ley David Elliette Cray, PhD (she/they), GSRD (Gender, Sexuality, and Relationship Diversity) Content Specialist for the Sexual Health Alliance.
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