We all have fantasies when it comes to sex. Some people fantasize about inviting a third into their bedroom or about being dominated. Some people prefer to keep sexual fantasies to themselves, while others prefer to share them with their partners in the hope of making their desires a reality. The most important thing to know about sexual fantasies is that there is nothing taboo about them, most of us have them. In fact, there is a science behind the process and it’s something that should be completely normalized. The purpose of this blog is to promote more acceptance and discussion surrounding sexual fantasies. We all have our way of getting off and if a fantasy helps you to get there you’re not alone.
A Brief Look Into The Science Behind Fantasy
Dr. Justin Lehmiller is one of the best sources for understanding the science behind sexual fantasy and desire. He is one of the many insightful voices helping to educate us here at SHA and the science behind sexual fantasy is an area he specializes in. There’s a great personal interview on the SHA blog with Dr. Lehmiller. It’s refreshing to see someone breaking down the stigmas associated with sexual fantasies and shedding light on something that so many of us do. In doing research for his book, Tell Me What You Want, Dr. Lehmiller surveyed more than 4,000 people in the United States about their sexual fantasies. Participants completed a survey consisting of 369 questions that inquired about their fantasies, personalities, sexual histories, and demographics. As a soon-to-be Psychology grad student, I constantly wonder why people do what they do. Dr. Lehmiller wondered the same thing when it comes to sexual fantasies: why do people fantasize about sex? The following is data from Tell Me What You Want, breaking down the most popular reasons participants reported fantasizing about sex:
To experience sexual arousal (reported by 79.5% of participants)
Because you’re curious about different sexual experiences and sensations (reported by 69.8%)
To meet unfulfilled sexual needs (reported by 59.7%)
To temporarily escape reality (reported by 59.4%)
To express or fulfill a socially taboo sexual desire (reported by 58.4%)
To plan out a future sexual encounter (reported by 55.7%)To relax or reduce anxiety (reported by 43.6%)
Because you’re bored and don’t have anything else to do (reported by 40.0%)
To feel more sexually confident (reported by 32.5%)
To meet unfulfilled emotional needs (reported by 29.8%)
To block out distractions during sex (reported by 19.8%)
To compensate for an unattractive or undesirable partner (reported by 11.8%)
Another question I find myself asking is when do people find themselves fantasizing about sex? Many of us are guilty of daydreaming throughout the day about sex but when and where we do these things is not something we openly talk about. It’s interesting (and honestly relatable) to see that I’m not alone in fantasizing about intimacy while at work or in class:
While masturbating (92.4%)
During sex with a partner (69%)
While watching TV/movies (68.9%)
At work (60.4%)
While talking to someone else (54.3%)
At a bar/club/party (46.5%)
At school (41.6%)
At the gym (28.1%)
Other (18%)
Sexual fantasies are a powerful thing. They can occupy our minds no matter where we are or what we are doing. SHA has an informative outline of more topics covered in the book that prove used to understanding Lehmiller's work on sexual fantasy and the difference between fantasy and desire. I recommend taking a look at it if you want to brush up on the topic and learn about the science behind sexual fantasy and desire. Our bodies and minds think up sexual scenarios for a reason and it can be fun to explore the reasons why we fantasize about things like power play or group sex. If anything, Dr. Lehmiller’s findings show us that we are not alone in our fantasies and that there is nothing taboo about dreaming up sexual fantasies that would satisfy our deepest desires.
Top 3 Sexual Fantasies
Now that we’ve looked at some of the science behind sexual fantasy it’s time for the fun part. Below is an outline of three fantasies, as per Dr. Lehmiller’s book. Funnily enough, many of the fantasies that Dr. Lehmiller outlined are ones that I’ve found myself dreaming about, whether it’s during masturbation or while trying to get through my day. So many of us think that we dream up uncommon, unique scenarios but the science shows a lot of us are more alike than we think! For this reason, I decided to pick my top 3 fantasies from the list, some that I’ve made a reality and others that I have not. Not everyone wants to turn their fantasies into a reality but if a person wants to it can be intimidating. I want to share some of my experiences and thoughts on my fantasies to further explore why we may fantasize about these scenarios and what it’s like to turn them into reality.
1. Exhibitionism
Exhibitionism is a desire for someone to watch you have sex. A person can desire to be the one being watched or the one doing the watching. In my case, I’ve fantasized about both scenarios. Whether it be a partner watching me have sex with someone else and pleasuring themselves or me watching someone else pleasure my partner I noticed what kept me coming back to this fantasy was the thought of seeing a partner experience a sort of taboo pleasure. This sexual fantasy is one that I’ve been able to experience in reality and exhibitionism can be a beautifully satisfying experience when done in a consenting, trusting atmosphere. My first lived experience with this fantasy was also during my first threesome experience and the individuals I was with made me feel so safe and loved. I think one of the reasons why I fantasized about exhibitionism is because it’s satisfying to know that someone could watch you have sex and feel pleasure from it. There’s also a sense of control involved when you’re watching your partner be with someone else because you consented to them doing it and in that way, you have some control over the situation. Exhibitionism allows for multi-personed pleasure in a consensual setting. Who doesn't enjoy a positive response to a performance?
2. Forced Sex (consensual)
This fantasy was one that initially surprised me when I thought about it. I’ve experienced sexual trauma from nonconsensual experiences in the past and I wondered how I could get off to fantasizing about forced sex in any form. I realized though that agreeing to have sex “forced” upon me could be a reclamation of the past experiences I’ve had. I frequently enjoy power play in my sexual encounters and consensual forced sex does go hand in hand with Dom/Sub dynamics. It feels good to completely give yourself over to somebody you trust. It also feels good for someone to feel safe enough with you that they give themselves over to you. This fantasy stems from my desire to eventually feel 100% safe with a partner. It’s fun to think about myself allowing a person to force themselves on me but the thought will remain a fantasy for now. I wouldn't attempt to make this a reality unless I met somebody that I was very comfortable with. It’s essential to prioritize consent if you want to turn a fantasy into reality. This may look different for everyone but sex should never happen without consent.
3. Threesomes
Threesomes are one of the most common sexual fantasies. So much so that some people “give” their partner a threesome for their birthday as a gift. This fantasy is another one that I was able to make a reality and with proper consent and communication, the experience can be more than you imagine. For me, it’s always gone hand in hand with exhibitionism. Though I have fantasized about two different versions of a threesome. I used to only fantasize about having a threesome with a partner and having all of us pleasure one another. After I had my first threesome experience though, when I was a third, I started to also fantasize about being a third for a couple. I learned that experiencing a sexual fantasy can create a new version of the scenario for you to fantasize about. I think that goes to show that fantasies can and do change with sexual experiences. This is why communication is so important because a person's sexual needs and desires are constantly evolving and you truly won’t know what works for you until you’re in the situation.
Written by Alyssa Morterud
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