There are so many obstacles that can stand in the way of a romantic relationship:
“Will his children like me?”
“What if they are too busy for me?”
“Can we make long distance work?”
But what about “Is the age gap too much?”
Netflix’ Age of Attraction is an “ageless” dating show where participants date at a remote retreat without revealing their ages. If they choose to go forward together, they then reveal their ages, move in together, and then meet each others’ friends and family. Some couples had just a year or a few between them (and were not followed for the rest of the show) while others had substantial age gaps of 15 to over 30 years!
Why Do Age Gap Relationships Get Such a Bad Reputation?
Stigma. Like many other relationships that do not fit a traditional mold, relationships with age gaps can face significant stigma and discrimination. Cast members were often put in a position to defend why their relationship was valid, or reported breaking it off because of the constant fight for acceptance.
Stage of life. While watching the show, I found myself wondering "Wouldn't it be weird if you’re dating someone the same age as your kids?” I do not have this experience, so I don’t know. But, it seemed to be a pretty prevalent concern on the show. I wonder if this stems from the belief that many young people hold that older adults are not sexually active, seeing sexuality as an exclusive thing for emerging and middle adults. This is a big misconception by the way!
Power imbalances. It is possible that one partner could have more financial stability, be further along in their career, or leverage their maturity and life experiences to manipulate the other partner. This is obviously not the case in all relationships with age gaps! It is just a possibility and an aspect that would require navigation throughout the course of the partnership. It is worth noting that power imbalances can affect a relationship regardless of age differences.
Is It Really About Age?
Similar to Netflix’ Love is Blind, the Age of Attraction is presented as an experiment to answer the question “Does age matter in romantic relationships?” As a graduate student researcher, I feel obligated to point out that this is not a well conducted experiment!
It’s clearly just for entertainment purposes, and that’s okay. However, that means you should not draw sweeping conclusions from it about the viability of age gap relationships. There are so many confounding variables (e.g. concerns, challenges) at play that it is an oversimplification to attribute the relationship success or failure only on its age gap. Here are a few other factors that came up:
Future goals were common conversation on the show. But, questions like “Do you want children?” and “Where do you see yourself in five years?” are common when thinking about a relationship long-term, whether or not there’s an age gap.
Meeting their loved ones brought up many concerns in the later episodes. But, wondering if your partner’s friends and family will like you is not unique to these relationships.
Values came up often. Differences in religious practices and ways partners enact their values caused tension. The most dramatic of which being the tension between Vanelle and Jorge about Vanelle’s vow of celibacy. Still, this is a normal source of discourse in relationships.
Thinking about longevity caused feelings of uncertainty and insecurity for the cast members too. This one may be particularly pertinent in age gap relationships: one of the partners may substantially outlive the other. Although, you can never be sure how much time you have with someone.
Humble Recommendations for Age of Attraction Season Two
There are two main avenues that I would love to see the show explore:
Break outside of the heteronormative bubble: Watching the scenes where the couples revealed their partners’ ages to their friends and family seemed to greatly mimic the experience of coming out as LGBTQIA+. Many were scared of being judged when revealing their relationship that is outside of the established societal norm.
So, what would it look like for the show to include people who already exist outside of heteronormativity? Would it be less difficult because they may already have experience coming out? Or perhaps, would it be more difficult to compound that stress?
Navigate ethical nonmonogamy: What would it look like to establish a polycule or relationship cluster with significant age gaps? How might that be different from a monogamous couple and what unique challenges might it present? This one, unfortunately, is more of a thought experiment than something I believe Netflix is ready to take on.
Is Stoicism the New Normal for Men on Dating Shows?
It is not a recommendation, but rather something that really stuck out to me. Overall, Age of Attraction offers very conventional and gendered communication. Maybe because I also watch less conventional dating shows, like Love on the Spectrum, how little emotion the men featured in Age of Attraction express especially sticks out.
Yes, I am generalizing a little here. It is not all of the men on the cast. However, when many of them say “I’m happy to be here” or something similar, I don’t believe them. Compared to the women on the show who are very expressive with their facial expressions and words, the men seem muted and distant. It makes me wonder: What ideas about masculinity is the show reinforcing?
Frequently Asked Questions about Age Gap Relationships
How Big of an Age Difference is an Age Gap?
It is difficult to figure out at what year the age difference becomes a “gap” and is subject to more stigma or societal disapproval compared to smaller age differences. It likely varies according to culture and characteristics of the partners, including where they are in life, how old they look, and so on.
Why is Dating Someone Way Older or Younger than You So Difficult?
There are many reasons why dating someone whose age is substantially different from yours might be difficult. You may be in a different stage in life than your partner, have vastly different experiences based on the context in which you grew up, or face significant judgement about your relationship from people in your life.
What if I Fantasize About An Age Gap Relationship, But Don’t Actually Want One?
Fantasizing about something you do not actually want to experience in real life is pretty common! That’s why there’s a difference between fantasies and desires!
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Written by Jesse John, B.S.
Jesse is a clinical psychology doctoral student at Rowan University in New Jersey. Their research focuses on sexual decision-making, sexual violence, and relationship experiences. The author identifies as a Queer, neurodivergent, non-binary, white person, which informs the way they write and see the world!
